The Cold Ones

So Elizabeth Donald wrote this book called The Cold Ones. My buddy and Haunted Forest Tour co-author Jim Moore called it “a damned fine read and highly recommended.” But can I trust his opinion? I don’t think so. Because though Jim wants you to think that he looks like this:

He actually looks like this:

So I’m not going to trust that huggy-bear’s opinion on a zombie novella. Instead, I’m going to read The Cold Ones on my Kindle, and check in on a regular basis.

Wow, one page in and we’ve got screaming, bleeding, arm-gnawing, gun-grabbing, and spilled coffee. Clearly this is not a leisurely paced tale. 

10% in (the Kindle conveniently offers percentages of reading progress, which I love): Pretty much non-stop action so far. Gotta love it.

20%: Thanks to a flashback, we see that there’s more to the story than just zombies running around munching human flesh, although there are still zombies running around munching flesh, so it’s win-win for everybody!

30%: Having had a delicious hamburger for lunch today, I object to the use of rotting hamburger meat as a comparison to describe the smell of a corpse. Admittedly, my hamburger was fresh and fully cooked, but still, why not just make gagging noises in my ear while I’m trying to eat?

40%: More action…and a mystery. I’d say more, but I don’t want to include spoilers and face Elizabeth Donald’s wrath, because based on this book I think she’s a biter.

50%: The f-word makes an appearance on every page since the 40% mark. You know, just because a book is loaded with flesh-shredding and bloody gory violence does not mean that one need resort to salty language. This is most unladylike indeed.

60%: Woo-hoo! Flamethrower mayhem!!! This book rocks! 

70%: Will our heroes stop the Cold Ones in time? Or will more people get et? I’ll find out in the next 30% or so!

80%: Great line: “Next time, can we go after something that bullets kill?” Hee hee hee… I also like “Goop not working?”

90%: One doozy of a battle, although not with zombies. Thanks to the flashbacks, this is a multi-monster book. There’s so much cool stuff packed in here that I’d like to see it as a novel. You’ve got your assignment, Ms. Donald…

98%: And it’s over, unless you count “About the Author.” Jim Moore is correct, The Cold Ones is a damned fine read and highly recommended. Action a-plenty, kiddies! 

C’mon, you KNOW you want a copy. You’ve got zombie/monster fans on your holiday shopping list, right? Visit the official Elizabeth Donald website for all the details.