BOOKS

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Mandibles

Fire ants. Even when they’re normal sized, they’re horrible, wretched insects whose sting causes burning pain.

But these ants are far from normal. And the city of Tampa, Florida has become infested with the oversized creatures.

From the demented author of GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY) and PRESSURE comes a relentlessly paced novel of insect terror. As the city descends into pure chaos on a hot summer afternoon before the Fourth of July weekend, four groups of survivors must make their way to safety, past thousands of hyper-aggressive ants that can finish you off with just one searing sting.

Dustin, an entomologist, may have the secret to what is happening. Unfortunately, he’s being held hostage by a pair of psychopathic convenience store robbers who are just as happy to let the city burn.

Packed with humor, action, and thrills, MANDIBLES is an over the top, large-scale, carnage-filled, insects-on-a-rampage extravaganza!

“No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand’s perfect mixture of comedy and terror.” — Cemetery Dance

Fangboy

Nathan Pepper seemed like an ordinary baby…except for a mouth full of scary sharp teeth. Because his life began with his grandmother strongly recommending that he be destroyed as soon as possible, it’s safe to say that Nathan was not destined for a typical existence.

He hated the nickname “Fangboy,” but nobody could deny that he was the most frightening little boy in town. And he would have adventures of every sort. Tragic adventures, like what happened to his parents. Dangerous adventures, like his encounter with the sinister Professor Mongrel. Thrilling adventures, like the part where he’s on an out-of-control horse and he can’t make it stop running and you think “Well, he should just jump off,” but he CAN’T because it’s going too fast and he could break a leg. And, yes, one particularly gruesome adventure, though it is not described in great detail.

Will things end happily for Nathan? Will he bite somebody? Gather your family and your most deranged friends, make some chocolate chip cookies, and share the dark comedy treat of FANGBOY, a bizarre yet heartwarming yet rather tasteless saga that—all ego aside—will define a generation.

Wolf Hunt

Two thugs. One innocent woman. And one VICIOUS frickin’ werewolf.

Meet George and Lou, thugs for hire. The kind of intimidating-yet-friendly guys who will break your thumbs, but be polite about it.

Their latest assignment is to drive across Florida to deliver some precious cargo to a crime lord. The cargo: a man in a cage. Though Ivan seems perfectly human, they’re warned that he is, in fact, a bloodthirsty werewolf.

George and Lou don’t believe in the supernatural, but even if they did, it’s daytime and tonight isn’t the full moon. Their instructions are straightforward: Do not open the cage. Do not reach into the cage. Do not throw anything into the cage. And they don’t.

Unfortunately, Ivan doesn’t play by the usual werewolf rules, and the thugs find themselves suddenly responsible for a ferocious escaped beast. One who can transform at will. One who enjoys killing in human form as much as he enjoys killing as a monster.

If George and Lou want to save their careers, dozens of people, and their own lives, they need to recapture him. Because Ivan the werewolf is in the mood for a murder spree…

The Sinister Mr. Corpse

Zombies…

Sometimes they rise from the grave, hungering for human flesh…

Sometimes they’re created by a mad scientist intent on forming an unstoppable army of the undead…

Sometimes the zombie plague is transmitted by a horrific virus…

…and sometimes, they’re resurrected in front of millions of viewers as part of a live primetime television special.

This is the story of Stanley Dabernath, zombie. A regular guy who dies, is brought back to life as a ghastly walking cadaver, and becomes the international sensation hailed by the press as The Amazing Mr. Corpse. Fame! Wealth! Groupies! Despite his ghoulish appearance, Stanley finds himself living the dream.

But in many ways, it’s harder to be a celebrity than a zombie. The suits behind Project Second Chance want to tell him how to behave in public. It’s difficult to enjoy a simple restaurant meal in peace. There’s constant pressure coming at him from all sides–not to mention that many people consider him a vile blasphemy that should be erased from existence.

And does Project Second Chance have Stanley’s best interests in mind, or is the real reason behind his reanimation something much more…SINISTER?

Dweller

Toby was just a boy the first time he saw the creature in the woods.  His parents convinced the terrified child it was only his imagination.  The next time Toby saw the creature he was a lonely, unhappy teenager without friends.

But the creature would be his friend.  It would be there when Toby needed someone to talk to.  And it would take care of the bullies who wouldn’t leave Toby alone.

After all, the creature needed to eat.  And during their macabre, decades-long friendship, there will be other meals….

The Severed Nose

“When you kill people for a living, you get used to finding the occasional body part lying around your home. I do not kill people for a living, and so I freaked.”

So begins the tale of Josh White, a middle-aged introvert who comes home one evening to find a severed nose on a plate on his dining room table. Who put it there? Why would they do such a thing? Is his own nose in danger? As Josh delves into this perplexing mystery, he finds himself in a dark, twisted world of…well, there won’t be any spoilers here. Don’t you hate it when the back cover description gives away too much? This book is called The Severed Nose, and it starts with a guy finding a severed nose, and if that’s not enticing enough for you then blabbing all of the other plot developments isn’t going to help.

Pressure

They first met in boarding school–Alex, shy and nervous, and Darren, constantly scribbling in his journal. They became best friends in college. Alex always knew Darren was a little odd.

He didn’t know his friend was murderously insane until Darren asked Alex to join him in his blood-soaked fun. They could be a team, hunting and slaughtering human prey.

Alex doesn’t want any part of it. He’s no monster. But Darren is twisted, deadly…and determined. And he won’t take no for an answer.

Gleefully Macabre Tales

This collection includes tales from his three chapbooks (Two Twisted Nuts, Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic, and Funny Stories of Scary Sex) and numerous other stories both popular and obscure, including “Really, Really Ferocious” (the one with the wiener dog), “High Stakes” (the one with the slot machine), “Roasting Weenies by Hellfire” (the one with Satan), “The Bad Candy House” (the one with a very unpleasant old man at Halloween) and “The Socket” (the one with the eyeball socket).

It also includes two of his entries in the World Horror Convention gross-out contest. But you don’t want to read them.

So if you’re looking to laugh, gasp, gag, or do all three at the same time, making sort of a weird sound that hurts your lungs and elicits odd glances from nearby pedestrians, don’t miss Gleefully Macabre Tales!

Disposal

Meet Frank, a truly reprehensible human being. An egotistical sexist morally vacant scumbag who gets off on committing armed robbery. The kind of creep whose smirk you want to rub off with razor blade-laced sandpaper.

But when he robs Gretchen at gunpoint, he’ll get a lot more than the twelve bucks in her cash register. She makes him an offer he can’t refuse: Kill her husband in exchange for sex. The problem is that her husband is hard to kill. Really hard to kill. Like, the bastard just won’t frickin’ DIE!!!

Lots of bad and occasionally disgusting things happen.

Disposal is the latest demented comedy from Jeff Strand, author of Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic, and other sicko stuff. He’s also the author of the critically acclaimed thriller Pressure, although Disposal isn’t much like that one.

Unlike your average obscenely overpriced hardcover limited edition novella, Disposal doesn’t try to rip you off by giving you ONE measly little foreword. Hell no. We know that you expect more from an obscenely overpriced hardcover limited edition novella, and so Disposal contains TEN extremely unpleasant and mean-spirited forewords by Michael A. Arnzen, MaryJanice Davidson, Christopher Golden, Rick Hautala, Brian Keene, Gregory Lamberson, Mark McLaughlin, James A. Moore, James Newman and more*!!!

So get ready to spend some quality time with an absolute sleazebucket. Disposal. It could very well be the finest tale you’ll read all year. If not, you’ll get over it.

* J.A. Konrath

The Haunted Forest Tour

(with James A. Moore)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Haunted Forest Tour!

Sit back and enjoy a smooth ride in air-conditioned comfort as your heavily armored tram takes you through nature’s most astonishing creation. The forest is packed to capacity with dangerous and terrifying creatures of all shapes, sizes, and hunger levels, and you’ll get to observe these wonders in complete safety.

Howl with a werewolf! Gaze into the glowing eyes of a giant spider! Look right through a spooky ghost! See horrific monsters you couldn’t even imagine, only inches away from you! Things with fangs, things with claws, things with dripping red jaws—you’ll see them all!

Not thrilling enough? Well, it’s Halloween, and so we’re offering a very special tour through the Haunted Forest. The new route goes deeper into the woods than any civilians have ventured before, and you’re guaranteed to get a good scare! Rest assured that every possible security precaution has been taken. The Haunted Forest Tour has a 100% safety record, and technical difficulties are unheard of. You will be in no danger whatsoever.

We promise.

Bram Stoker Award-nominated authors James A. Moore (BLOODSTAINED OZ) and Jeff Strand (PRESSURE) have teamed up for Book #3 in Earthling’s Halloween Series. THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR is an action-packed, monster-laden adventure that will make you laugh, scream, and think twice before going near ghastly oversized beasts that want to devour you.

Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)

When you’re desperate for money, searching for a little adventure, and aren’t the most responsible person in the world, you can end up doing some outrageous things. Which is how Andrew Mayhem, an extremely married father of two, ends up accepting $20,000 to find a key…a key buried with a body in a shallow grave.

But what he finds in the grave isn’t quite what he expected, and what begins as a simple evening of morally questionable manual labor turns into a really good way to die. Andrew finds himself investigating a murder while forced into a bizarre game of wits and courage played by an unseen killer with a twisted sense of humor. It’s a game that will involve him with a group of filmmakers known as Ghoulish Delights, who are hiding a secret that will test every last bit of Andrew’s nerve to discover.

And it’s impossible to find a babysitter.

Single White Psychopath Seeks Same

“Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you just know it’s going to be the kind of day where you end up tied to a chair in a filthy garage while a pair of tooth-deprived lunatics torment you with a chainsaw.  So as I struggled against the ropes, I can’t say I was all that surprised.”

Yes, Andrew Mayhem, hero of the bestselling comedy/thriller Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) is back.  Still incredibly brave.  Still ridiculously irresponsible.  And this time, becoming chainsaw fodder is one of his lesser worries.  He’s forced to pose as a serial killer known as The Headhunter in order to infiltrate a group of maniacs who’ve gathered in an isolated Alaskan mansion for a weekend of murderous games.  Can he free the potential victims in time…or will he be forced to participate in their demise?

Even more twisted than its predecessor, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same is another outrageous blend of the hilarious and the horrifying, one that will keep you laughing, gasping, and guessing from beginning to end.

Casket for Sale (Only Used Once)

In Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), he took a job digging up a shallow grave.

It turned out badly.

In Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, he took a job as a bodyguard at a seance.

It turned out worse.

But now, meet the new, improved Andrew Mayhem.  He has a real job.  He’s a better father and husband.  And he’s vowed to quit accepting money from strange women in coffee shops to perform tasks that go terribly, terribly wrong.

This time he’s just taking a relaxing camping trip with his family and best friend.  No shortcuts.  The gas tank is full.  The sinister warning of the crazy old man is taken seriously.

Unfortunately, when you’re Andrew Mayhem, you just can’t help being attacked by a group of savage killers bent on inflicting ghastly torture and bringing horrific death.  Relentlessly pursued through a booby-trapped forest, it’s one crisis after another as Andrew fights to protect his family, loses a body part or two, and faces the single darkest moment of his entire life.

How to Rescue a Dead Princess

From the creative genius who would have brought you Hamlet, The Scarlet Letter, and a less-boring Moby Dick (if he’d been born on time) comes this outrageous comic fantasy.  It’s a tale filled with so much adventure, so much excitement, so much vocabulary, that all who read it will suffer a fit of giddiness that will freak out everyone in their general vicinity.

It’s the saga of Randall, a squire assigned to escort the lovely Princess Janice on a diplomatic journey of utmost importance.  Then she gets killed.  Now Randall must overcome desperate odds and ridiculous dangers in his quest to bring her back to life…before the entire Generic Fantasy Land falls into the evil clutches of The Dark One!

Packed to the bursting point with unrestrained silliness (so be sure to hold it a safe distance from your face when reading), How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the novel all the really cool people are reading this year, an epic fantasy for your family to cherish approximately forever.

Out of Whack

From the author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess comes Out of Whack, an outrageous comedy about friendship, love, following your dreams, and other really scary stuff.

Seth Trexler has two goals in life:  to find success with his off-the-wall sketch comedy troupe, and to win the girl of his dreams.  But when you suffer from brain-erasing stage fright and an incredible female-phobia, those goals can be a bit tricky to attain.  With his best friend Travis at his side, Seth struggles to overcome his fears (along with the 2,873 other roadblocks in the path to success) in this hilariously demented yet heartfelt tale.

But don’t read it for the laughs.  And don’t read it for the heartfelt parts.  Read it for the sex scene, which proves that even if you’re filled with ravenous animal passion, trying to dramatically tear off somebody’s underwear can only lead to wedgies.

Elrod McBugle on the Loose

A comedy for kids…and adults who were warped as kids!

The students at Greenwater Junior High have said they’ll never forget this year, and Elrod McBugle is the reason.  He’s not a bad person.  He doesn’t TRY to get in trouble, cause mayhem, and occasionally blow things up…it just happens.   And it’s going to happen again and again!

Share Elrod’s hilarious adventures as he faces the wrath of the Slurpy Gulp Beverage Company, tries to become a millionaire selling homemade bubble gum, survives a wild squirrel attack, tries to find out if his math teacher is an axe murderer, and much, much more!

Watch out, everyone…Elrod McBugle is on the loose!

PSEUDONYMOUS WORK

To pay the bills, I’ve occasionally had to write some books under other names. Though they were not creatively fulfilling projects, I’m including the books below for completists.