So I’ve finally finished reading Greg Lamberson’s fourth novel Desperate Souls. I say “finally” because I’m overwhelmingly, embarrassingly behind on reading my friends’ manuscripts and it took me forever to get to it…but the book itself won’t be published until October 2010, so technically, I’m way ahead of schedule. In fact, I’m something of an inspiration. The rest of you are SLACKERS!

Anyway, here’s the deal: When Greg’s third novel, The Frenzy Way, is published in June 2010, it will be his best novel. Then when Desperate Souls comes out, THAT will be his best novel. I assume that with novel #5 he’ll lose his way and deliver a sub-par work, but then he’ll come back with a vengeance for novel #6, and then just when you think he couldn’t write anything better than novel #6 he’ll write novel #7, which makes novels # 1-6 look like mildewy crap, and then novel #8 will come out and people will be all “WTF? How did the genius who wrote novel #7 sink to such depths?” but then novel #9 will be his “return to his roots” novel, after which the bodies will be discovered and Greg’s career will rise to astronomical heights but he won’t be allowed to profit from it from his prison cell.

Desperate Souls is the second book in the Jake Helman Files, a series that began with the excellent Personal Demons, which has just been reprinted in a handy mass market paperback edition by Medallion Press, and which is lurking at your local bookstore at this very moment. Go buy one. It looks like this:

Pretty freaky, huh? Personal Demons is an outstanding, ambitious book, and you’ll get more out of Desperate Souls if you’ve read this one first. But Desperate Souls is even better. Greg knows how to write an action sequence, and this book has lots of ‘em. It’s got colorful, memorable characters, and one truly great “Whoa! I can’t believe he did that!” moment that I won’t even hint at here, except that I e-mailed Greg and said “Whoa! I can’t believe you did that!” Let’s just say that while it’s the second book in what will be an ongoing series, it doesn’t play safe.

“But wait!” you may be saying. “Isn’t Greg Lamberson your friend? It says so right in the first paragraph! What kind of scam are you trying to pull here?” 

Yes. But I’m only friends with GOOD writers. The others get their asses kicked right the hell out of my social circle. If your books aren’t at least three-and-a-half stars out of five in my rating system, then screw you! 

Actually, we became buddies because a) I had really enjoyed his movie Slime City back in the 80’s when it first came out on VHS, and b) after I met him person at the 2005 World Horror Convention I traded him a copy of Mandibles for a copy of Personal Demons and e-mailed him to say “Whoa, dude! Personal Demons rocks!” So it’s a friendship born from the sheer coolness of the book to your left. 

 Check out Greg’s official website at http://www.slimeguy.com.

This weekend I saw Night of the Living Dead: The Play. For the first half, I was worried that what we were actually seeing was Night of the Living Dead: Just the Boring Parts. The lengthy “Barbara chased by the graveyard zombie” sequence at the beginning of the movie was cut way down for obvious reasons, and the doomed attempt to fill the truck with gasoline happens off-stage…but we DID get the entirety of Ben’s tedious monologue about how he arrived at the farmhouse. 

But…it’s ZOMBIES! On stage! Eating people! And though it took a while to deliver the zombie flesh-eating mayhem, once it got there, the play delivered in a big way. Whatta finale! After it reached the spot where the film ends, I thought “Okay, this play has completely redeemed itself.” But then things took a complete shift in tone, and suddenly we were in a shamelessly silly comedy! The curtain call provided more entertainment value than the entire rest of the play! I’m not sure if this is part of the show itself, or just something that the Jobsite Theatre in Tampa came up with (so I won’t give it away), but it made me wish they’d taken a goofier tone with the rest of the show. 

The last thing I saw at the Jobsite Theatre (Clive Barker’s History of the Devil) was much better, but I definitely got my money’s worth with Night of the Living Dead: The Play.

I repeat: Zombies! On stage! Eating people!

Yes.

Gooooooooooo Team Jacob!!!

(Important note to members of Team Edward: My allegiance can be bought, dirt-cheap. Contact me for details.)

Welcome to my website! Whether you were brought here by interest in my work or a Google search gone terribly wrong, I encourage you to hang around and start clicking away!

LATEST SCRAPS OF NEWS:

The paperback edition of Gleefully Macabre Tales is available for pre-order (it’ll be in your clawed hands by mid-December), and has been expanded to include my novella Disposal! Get it here! 

Pressure available NOW at your local bookstore! Go grab a few copies! The Pressure page on this very site (click the cover to your right) has a handy feature that will let you flip through the first couple of chapters of a virtual copy!

The Severed Nose is now available from Bloodletting Press, in paperback and deluxe hardcover editions!

Blood Lite, featuring stories by Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, Sherilynn Kenyon, and Kelley Armstrong, and also my own contribution “The Bell…FROM HELL!!!” is now available as a mass-market paperback. I encourage you to buy a copy, then go up to the featured authors and say “Ooh! Ooh! Will you sign this? Oh, wait, YOU’RE not Jeff Strand!” It’ll be fun and amusing!

Hey, kiddies! Gleefully Macabre Tales is now available for pre-order at The Horror Mall! 

Click here to get it!

They’ve also got most of my other books, including the super-deluxe ultra-limited gasp-inducing lettered edition of Benjamin’s Parasite, so stock up!

I’m not saying that I will destroy the entire Internet if you don’t order a copy of Gleefully Macabre Tales in paperback. 

However, I’m also not saying that I WON’T.

Oh, sure, I probably don’t have the means to carry out such a task…but are you sure? You like websites, don’t you? Wouldn’t it suck if all of them were gone?

Let your conscience and fear be your guide.

Does it count as an actual website update if I’m just saying “Look! I posted a list of the 12 best Survivor votes of all time! Wasn’t that generous of me?”

I think it does.

I watch very little TV, but I love Survivor. Nineteen seasons in and I’m still obsessed. For those who are similarly afflicted, I present my list of the 12 Best Survivor Votings-Out Of All Time. Obviously, this contains gigantic spoilers–but I’ve omitted anything from the current Samoa season in case you’re not caught up yet. These are presented in chronological order…

 JERRI (The Australian Outback). Way back in Season Two, there was a perceived flaw in the Survivor formula: Once the tribes merged, the team with greater numbers would vote out the members of the team with smaller numbers, one by one. Critics shouted “Boooo! This show sucks! We know what’s going to happen for the next four episodes!” And Alicia did indeed get picked off. Then we got an episode devoted to “I can’t believe we’re voting out sweet adorable Elisabeth, before she goes on to become the conservative chick on The View, and keeping the widely despised Jerri! Oh, the moral anguish!” In those innocent days of Season Two, we really thought it was gonna be Elisabeth. But then–WHOA! The moment we’d been waiting for all season, in a complete blindside! 

JOHN (Marquesas). The tribes merged. We had a four-strong alliance of John, Tammy, Robert, and Zoe. The other players were scattered into a Paschal/Neleh pair, a Sean/Vecepia pair, and Kathy on her own. The members of John’s alliance knew they were in power, and none of the others seemed to be able to get organized enough to do anything about it. Until the glorious challenge where you answered trivia questions, and each time you got one right, you got to put a strike against another player–three strikes and you’re out. The players were booted out of the challenge in the same order that John’s alliance planned to vote them out of the game, and suddenly the pecking order was exposed! The five joined forces, and John went from the guy calling the shots to the first member of the jury. And he cried in his final words.

SHII ANN (Thailand). Shii Ann hated her teammates, and when the tribes merged, she happily jumped to the other side. Her former teammates fumed. Then, at the immunity challenge, Jeff Probst said “Merge? Oh, my, my, goodness gracious, I certainly hope you didn’t get such a silly idea from little ol’ ME!” Nope, the tribes hadn’t actually merged–they were just living on the same island. And Shii Ann was suddenly very, very, very screwed. (This is probably my favorite moment in all of Survivor, and yet Thailand was overall the worst season.)

CHRISTY (Amazon). The second half of the Amazon season followed a wonderful pattern: Players would find themselves in a power position, get overconfident, and get voted out. This was best exemplified by Christy, who suddenly became a swing vote, and loved the power. She relished it. She refused to commit to one side or another. “Sweat it out, you powerless gnats! Muahahahaha!” (Not an actual quote.) Unfortunately for Christy, when both sides are panicked, it’s pretty easy for them to figure out a common target…

RUPERT (Pearl Islands). Rupert is easily the most beloved player ever to appear on Survivor, which I don’t get. He’s certainly one of the most entertaining, but also the most egotistical and one of the biggest bullies the show has had, most notably during his “WHO VOTED FOR ME??? WHO THE F*** VOTED FOR ME???” temper tantrum after the failed attempt to get rid of him. So I found it supremely satisfying when the inconceivable (to Rupert) happened and he became the second member of the jury.

ROB C. (All Stars). Okay, if you’ve already been on the show, and everybody knows you’re a liar and a schemer, how do you stay in the game a second time? In the case of the other Rob (Boston Rob)…you lie and scheme again and everybody who watched you lie and scheme on national television the first time around completely trusts you. Rob C. was also a liar and a schemer, and even he put his trust into Boston Rob, who cheerfully backstabbed him. This is an All-Time Best moment for me mostly because of Rob C’s sheer PANIC as Jeff Probst read his name. He didn’t actually say “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” but that was the general gist.

LEX (All Stars). Another victim of Boston Rob. So Jerri, who nobody likes and who is the perfect final two opponent, comes up to you and pledges her full allegiance. Then there’s a team swap instead of a merge, but it’s a random draw kind of thing and the teams end up staying the same–except for Boston Rob’s ally/lover Amber, who ends up on the other side. Sucks to be her. What do you do when the most powerful duo in the game has been broken up? Easy, you vote out Amber and then say “Hey, Boston Rob, did you see the way Amber was looking at Colby? Boy, I’d sure hate to think about what they’re doing right now!” OR, you do what Lex did, which is vote out JERRI, hoping that Boston Rob will be grateful that you kept Amber around. I’m sure Boston Rob was grateful, but he still cheerfully voted out Lex. Bonus points for Lex’s reaction when Kathy (who had said that she might give Lex her immunity necklace) decided to keep it for herself. More bonus points for the quantity of scowling Lex did on the jury.

JENNY (Cook Islands). The losing tribe in this pre-merge challenge also received a message in a bottle, to be read after they voted somebody out. The message: “You have just voted out one of your tribemates. You will now vote out another one.” This one makes my list because of the pure EVIL radiated by Jeff Probst after they read the message out loud. In that moment, Probst was like a James Bond villain, maliciously rubbing his hands together at his cruel, cruel scheme. Gotta love it.

EDGARDO (Fiji). My favorite Survivor episodes are the ones that involve gobs of strategizing and complex plans. In this case, Edgardo, Mookie, and Alex were outnumbered, but they DID have the hidden immunity idol and a great plan to use it, which involved fooling the others into thinking that Mookie had the idol, but having Mookie give it to Alex, who would hopefully receive the votes and play the idol. Had the plan worked, it would’ve been an all-time great moment. Unfortunately, the other side foiled their plan by voting for Edgardo instead…and it was still an all-time great moment!

JAMES (China). James was the most likable player in China. He was the biggest physical threat. And, late in the game, he had TWO hidden immunity idols. Two! How can you lose the game if you’re the most likable, the biggest physical threat, and you’ve got TWO immunity idols? Nobody could get voted out with two immunity idols, could they? There didn’t seem to be any possible way he could get blindsided like that. After the votes were cast, James looked down at his bag…and decided not to use them. And in the biggest “Holy crap!” moment of the entire series up to that point (see next entry), James went from having a wildly unfair advantage to being on the jury. D’oh!!!

ERIK (Micronesia). It’s ironic that a season comprised of All-Stars facing off against huge fans of the show featured the biggest blunders. After Ozzy and Jason were voted out in consecutive episodes while holding an immunity idol, we didn’t think there could be any bigger surprises in store, but the biggest jaw-dropper of the series was yet to come. At the final five, with a clear four-woman alliance in place, Erik won immunity. Cirie came up with the ridiculous idea of trying to convince Erik to give the immunity necklace to Natalie. Natalie correctly said “Why would anybody ever do that?” The episode them proceeded to waste our time by showing us their efforts toward a plan that would never, ever work. The women tried to make the case that Erik needed to “redeem” himself for a previous vote and that the only way for him to regain their trust was to give up the immunity necklace. Clearly the editors of this episode were desperate to generate some sort of suspense. And then, at tribal council, Erik gave Natalie the immunity necklace! In fact, that should be in bold and italics: Erik gave Natalie the immunity necklace, as James laughed hysterically from the jury. They didn’t even try to hide the votes–we saw all four women casting their votes for Erik, informing him that he was the stupidest player ever. Overall, no, but in this particular moment, yes.

TYSON (Tocantins). It’s a moment we’ve seen many times on Survivor, but it’s always awesome. An overconfident player knows he certainly isn’t getting voted out. He receives one vote, obviously from the person who’s getting voted out, and smirks. He gets a second vote. The smirk vanishes. Jeff Probst telling us that Tocantins would feature a record number of blindsides was a big fat lie, but this particular one was a fantastic Survivor moment.

And…the two worst!

ANDREW (Pearl Islands). His tribe lost the first three immunity challenges…but then won the next three, leaving the two tribes equal at the merge! But instead of a merge, we got the one moment where the show really screwed up: the “Outcasts” twist. Pouty Lil, who we were glad to see go in the third episode, was voted back into the game. She flipped sides because she was mad at Andrew for not telling her she’d be voted out, and Andrew didn’t even make it to the jury. Boooooo.

IAN (Palau). Ian and Tom were allies from the beginning…and if Ian wasn’t necessarily opposed to the idea of Tom getting voted out, well, that’s part of the game! Tom discovered this, the two had a falling out, and ultimately, it came down to the final immunity challenge, a loooooooong endurance challenge that would unquestionably decide the winner, since Katie didn’t stand a chance. The challenge went on for 12 hours, during which time Tom even tried to cut a deal where he’d take Ian to the final two if Ian stepped down. Then Ian, overcome by guilt, told Tom that he’d quit the challenge if Tom voted HIM out. Tom of course agreed. Jeff Probst, who apparently just wanted to get back to his tent, said “Is there any reason we shouldn’t do the vote right now?” Yes! Give Ian a chance to say “Wow, that was silly of me! I wasn’t thinking right after 12 hours of hugging a post!” and try to change Tom’s mind! Make Tom vote out his long-time ally in front of the jury! But, nope, Tom gave an oral vote right there at the challenge site, and Ian didn’t even get final words. Lame.

Other tidbits:

BEST FINAL WORDS: Rudy in All-Stars, essentially threatening to have the people who voted against him killed. (“I’ve got friends.”)

BEST QUOTE: “It’s a f***ing stick!” Eliza in Micronesia, when Jason gave her the fake immunity idol that he thought was real.

Okay, so do you agree? Disagree? What are YOUR picks, Survivor fanatics? Comment away!

Yep, I’ve been updating this site on a daily basis, and plan to continue that trend FOREVER!!!

Oh, sure, the updates don’t necessarily contain what scholars refer to as “content worth reading” but they’re daily, dammit!