I almost posted a YouTube clip here. I was listening to the Dread Media podcast (http://www.dreadmedia.net/) and host Desmond Reddick played a song called “The Golden Age of Video” by Ricardo Autobahn, which entertained me to the point of giddiness.

It’s on YouTube, and I was gonna post it here and make comments like “Ha-ha! I know how lame it is to post YouTube clips on my site, but the last one I posted got lots and lots of hits so you’ve no one to blame but yourself!” Then I changed my mind. I mean, I had nothing to do with “The Horribly Slow Murderer With The Incredibly Inefficient Weapon,” but you can kinda see the horror/comedy connection with my work. This one…well, actually, it starts with the “We accept her! We accept her! One of us! One of us!” clip from Freaks, which is what inspired the title of my story “One of Them,” which is in Gleefully Macabre Tales, which is the book I’m currently promoting, so I could’ve used that as a tie-in. 

But I won’t. You can google it.

This one isn’t a real daily update either. My back-dating ruse would probably be more effective if I didn’t blab about it right here in the post. What I should have done is post some amazing prediction about something that happened on December 2nd, but used a December 1st posting date.

Oh well. Too late now.

Well, not really, since modern computers come equipped with a “backspace” function, but I don’t like to waste keystrokes.

I deleted a post promoting a sale that’s no longer in effect, but that made it look like my “daily updates” pledge was a big, fat lie. Therefore, I am deceptively back-dating this post so it fills the gap.

This weekend I recorded the very first episode of my podcast! 

And……….there will be some reworking of the concept, so this week I will be re-recording the very first episode of my podcast.

“Special Features” had a nice eight-month run as the free story on my website. It will be missed, unless you buy Gleefully Macabre Tales, in which case you can read it as many times as you want. Its successor is a piece of flash fiction called “The Drop.”

To read it, just click on “Free Story” on the menu in the upper right-hand corner of this very page.

I just can’t stay away from these uproariously funny Dubble Bubble comics!

And the first one is…aw, c’mon, seriously? This is the FOURTH time I’ve gotten the “rabbit on the TV” joke. For those of you thinking “You’re a damned liar!” I’ve scanned them as evidence.

That’s all I can take for today.

Welcome to my website! Whether you were brought here by interest in my work or a Google search gone terribly wrong, I encourage you to hang around and start clicking away!

LATEST SCRAPS OF NEWS:

The paperback edition of Gleefully Macabre Tales is available for pre-order (it’ll be in your clawed hands by mid-December), and has been expanded to include my novella Disposal! Get it here! 

Pressure is available NOW at your local bookstore! Go grab a few copies! The Pressure page on this very site (click the cover to your right) has a handy feature that will let you flip through the first couple of chapters of a virtual copy!

The Severed Nose is now available from Bloodletting Press, in paperback and deluxe hardcover editions!

Blood Lite, featuring stories by Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, Sherilynn Kenyon, and Kelley Armstrong, and also my own contribution “The Bell…FROM HELL!!!” is now available as a mass-market paperback. I encourage you to buy a copy, then go up to the featured authors and say “Ooh! Ooh! Will you sign this? Oh, wait, YOU’RE not Jeff Strand! Forget it!” It’ll be fun and amusing!

Friend me on Facebook! Follow me on Twitter!

…for one of these Dubble Bubble cartoons that doesn’t suck. I’ve wasted much rock-solid gum in the search, but eventually there’s got to be one with SOME mild humor value, right? Let’s do another five…

Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count.

Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count.

Okay: “Sue, is Pud home from school yet? Look at the hat rack.” In the second panel, Sue is looking at the hat rack, and there’s a dunce cap on it! “Yes, he’s home!” she reports. Why would Pud wear his dunce cap home and hang it on a rack? I guess it’s because he’s really, really stupid. Maybe his teacher is really mean and he’s doing it out of fear, but I’m going to give Fleer Gum the benefit of the doubt and say that the cartoon’s point is that Pud is such a dumbass that he’d bring home his dunce cap instead of discarding it. So I’m going to officially claim that this one has mild humor value.

That was too easy. Let’s see if there’s a funnier one.

“These shoes cost too much! I want to see something cheap!” “Look in the mirror!” I like that the kid with the shoes has a question mark above his head, as if he doesn’t realize that he’s just been dissed.

Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count.

Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count.

This one is just a sight gag. A kid is playing his guitar and singing, and a guy in the background is using a plunger on a sink. Whoa! Apparently that guy didn’t like the singing, because the kid now has the plunger stuck to his face! (And he’s got another question mark next to his head. Apparently he was under the mistaken impression that people enjoyed his singing! Welcome to harsh reality, kid!)

Hey, another music-themed one! What are the odds? So Pud is sitting there next to his violin, reading a comic book, and a cat is next to him howling. And this guy in the other room says “Pud, you’re getting better on the violin!” And both Pud and the cat have question marks next to their heads! Oh, Pud, when will you get the respect you deserve?

Last one: No, wait, dammit, it’s the THIRD time I’ve gotten the one with the rabbit on the TV! I understand that there are a finite number of hilarious adventures that Pud can possibly get into, but c’mon!

Last one, take two: And…it’s the dunce cap on the hat rack one. We’ve come full circle. 

Last one, take three: Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count.

Last one, take four: Another cut-off one. Doesn’t count. This is bull***t. 

Last one, take five: Okay, so Pud is sitting on a bench. Another guy sits on the other end, and it catapults Pud into the air! LOL! This one technically wasn’t Pud’s fault–he would’ve had no way of knowing that the bench was unsafe. Poor kid.

Sideshow Press just announced a new book called Sideshow Exhibits, with novellas by Michael McBride, Gene O’Neill, and Gord Rollo. All three tales are based on the following piece of artwork by Tom Moran:

I read the Michael McBride novella (“Brood XIX”) back in August, and it’s an outstanding story. For those of you keeping track, this is one of McBride’s “quiet” tales, as opposed to novels like The Infected where he shreds 85 people per chapter. It’s an emotionally charged piece about a woman coping with the murder of her husband and the disappearance of her young daughter…which means that if I make fun of it like I do everything else on this site, you’ll think “Wow, Strand’s a jerk.” So I won’t. 

Though I haven’t read Gene O’Neill or Gord Rollo’s contributions yet, I’ve read much of their previous work and it’s excellent. I offer no guarantee that they didn’t get thoroughly liquored up, scream “Wooo-hooo! I’m gonna type me one of them word-book things!” and write these novellas via a process of randomly slapping at keys and giggling, but I’m pretty confident that they’re high quality tales.

This book is available for pre-order for only 60 days, so if it took you 61 days to read this, you’re screwed. If you’re reading this in a timely fashion, then check it out RIGHT HERE. 

Let’s check out a few more of these uproariously funny Dubble Bubble gum cartoons, shall we?

Crap. This first one is misprinted and half of the cartoon is cut off. Is there no quality control at Fleer? But it seems to be a kid at a diner pointing to a bunch of flies saying “I don’t like these flies,” and the cook says “Come back tomorrow. We’ll have new flies.” Because the kid meant that he didn’t like seeing flies in a dining establishment, but the cook thought he was complaining about those specific flies. 

That cartoon leaves me wanting more. What did the kid say in response? Was he so amused that it distracted him from the health code violation, or did it send him into a fit of pure rage? 

Next one…dammit, this one is half cut-off, too! But using context clues I can determine that it says “Have you lived here all your life?” and the punchline is “No, I’m not through living yet.” I’m not sure if our hero is talking to an old man or what. This one would be funnier if the guy was a zombie and he was all like “Yes, I DID live here my entire life!” and then some light brain-eating was involved.

Finally, we get one that’s printed correctly: A kid is watching TV, and some other kid says “You’ll get a better picture if you put rabbit ears on your set!” The punchline is the kid watching TV, and now there’s a rabbit on the set. The rabbit has a question mark next to its head. Y’know, I remember these bubble gum comics being lame, but I don’t remember them descending into quite this level of lameness. At the very least, it should’ve been the rabbit ears without the rest of the rabbit! That would’ve at least been slightly macabre. I think I can only take two more of these…

Hey! It’s another one starring Pud! Pud is looking at a monkey in a cage. The next panel has the monkey walking away, and Pud is locked in the cage going “Help!” WTF? That’s not even a joke! Even by the low standards of the rabbit ears on the TV set, how did this one pass the pitch sessions in the writers’ room? “So, Pud is looking at this monkey in a cage, and then suddenly Pud is locked in the cage instead of the monkey!” C’mon, people! 

Last one for today: No, wait, this one is cut-off so much that none of the words are there. That was probably an actual funny one, too. One more…

Nope, this one’s cut-off, too. The scene takes place in a coat shop, and the clerk is asking “How long?” but I can’t see anything else. These suck.

Okay, so this one is not only cut-off beyond readability, but it’s the rabbit comic again! Now I’m just getting pissed. 

Son of a bitch! Do I need to file a class-action lawsuit here? Okay, here’s what we’ve got: “–brother –ved a —cker.” “How is he?” “–n’t heard —ing yet.” I think it’s obvious that the punchline is “We haven’t heard anything yet,” and the word “heard” is key. “My brother saved a –cker.” Hmmmm. That sounds kind of dirty. What could his brother have saved that would make noise?

No idea.

Has this Dubble Bubble cartoon defeated me? Suggestions, anyone?