SHORT WORKS

Here’s a list of my published or to-be-published short stories, in reverse chronological order, sort of. Stories marked with a *** appear in my collection GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES.

“My Knife Collection.” This story accompanied an interview with me in Cemetery Dance #60.

“Burden.” A guilt-ridden man has to care for his wheelchair-bound brother, and he doesn’t like it at all. A rather unpleasant tale that appeared in Shroud Magazine #6. 

“The Bell…FROM HELL!!!” If you were in possession of a bell forged by Lucifer, would you use it for good or evil? Appeared in the Horror Writers Association anthology BLOOD LITE, from Pocket Books.

“The Apocalypse Ain’t So Bad.” Check it out in HORROR LIBRARY, VOLUME 3. An uplifting tale about how the end of the world doesn’t have to be such a bummer.

“The Big Bite.” A giant vampire goes on a rampage in a tale that explores that idea that once a vampire reaches sixty feet tall, their vampirism becomes largely irrelevant. Appeared in the anthology MONSTROUS.

“The Drop.” A wee tiny scrap of flash fiction, which appeared on the Delirium Books website but is now lost forever, or until my next collection.

“Immunity.” A wee tiny scrap of zombie flash fiction, which appeared in the zombie flash fiction anthology BITS OF THE DEAD.

“Mr. Twitcher’s Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine.” I guess the title makes it pretty clear what this one is about. If you have an objection to tales that involve babies, chopping, or both elements combined, you’ll want to steer clear. Appeared in DESOLATE SOULS, the 2008 World Horror Convention souvenir anthology.

“Comeuppance.” I originally called this one “The Voodoo Tattoo,” but that gave away too much. I’m giving away too much now, but this story appeared online at Horror World for but a single month, so I’ll revise this entry when you can read it again. 

“Gramma’s Corpse.” Something very rare for me…a tale that started out as a dark comedy, but then turned into a straightforward creepfest. Appeared in WAITING FOR OCTOBER.

“Here’s What Happened…” Gore galore! A guy tries to relate the tale of a gruesome massacre to his uninterested buddy.. Appeared in WAITING FOR OCTOBER.

“The Bad Candy House.” Sometimes you’ve just gotta write a really mean-spirited Halloween tale. Appeared in HALLOW’S EVE, a charity anthology, and later in WAITING FOR OCTOBER. ***

“Sex Potion #147.” The woman-on-top portion of my chapbook FUNNY STORIES OF SCARY SEX, published by White Noise Press. ***

“Werewolf Porno.” The man-on-top portion of FUNNY STORIES OF SCARY SEX. ***

“Poor Career Choice.” Our good friend Andrew Mayhem meets up with a professional assassin. Or a not-so-professional assassin. This story appears in THESE GUNS FOR HIRE, an anthology of hit-man stories featuring lots of mystery/thriller authors much, much, much more famous than me.

“Special Features.” A delightful tale for those DVD fanatics out there. Appears in POST MORTEM #4. ***

“Bad Coffee.” A piece of flash-fiction that was printed on a coffee mug, “published” by Insidious Reflections. Only 25 of ‘em were offered for sale, so it’s one of the ultimate Jeff Strand collector’s items…as long as you don’t run it through the dishwasher! ***

“The Socket.”  Got a “thing” about things happening to eyeballs?  Don’t read this one.  Seriously.  Appeared in DEATHGRIP: EXIT LAUGHING, a humorous horror anthology from Hellbound Books. ***

“Glimpses.”  Another one of my rare ventures into serious, downbeat territory. But, y’know, there’s funny stuff too. Appeared in BARE BONES #8, published by Raw Dog Screaming Press. ***

“Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic.”  This appeared as a seriously disturbed chapbook from Biting Dog Press. The chapbook once sold on eBay for slightly more than cover price, which made me feel like a superstar. ***

“Mr. Sensitive.” This was my half of TWO TWISTED NUTS: A CHAPBOOK OF TESTICULAR TERROR (Nick Cato contributed “Ball Breaker”). Cringe, baby, cringe! ***

“Them Old West Mutations.”  Mutant killer cockroaches in the Old West.  Perhaps not the most serious, introspective thing I’ve ever written.  Appeared in TRIP THE LIGHT HORRIFIC, an anthology of humorous horror. ***

“Really, Really Ferocious.”  A story about a wiener dog.  Everybody likes wiener dogs.  Available in SMALL BITES, an anthology of 500-word stories about things that eat people. ***

“A Bite For A Bite.”  Zombie goodness!  Another SMALL BITES tale. ***

“Abbey’s Shriek.”  One of my sickest pieces, an 7000-word story published in the anthology BEYOND THE MUNDANE: UNRAVELINGS from Mundania Press. ***

“Roasting Weenies by Hellfire.”  If “splatstick” was a term that I had coined, I’d use it to describe this story.  But I didn’t, so I’ll just call this story “gory slapstick.”  It appears in the anthology THE HORROR WRITERS’ NETWORK PRESENTS: NEW VOICES IN HORROR and the magazine KOPFHALTER. ***

“Quite a Mess.”  An extremely short (150 words) gross-out gag.  The world can never have too many of those, in my opinion.  Appeared in the UK horror magazine FUSING HORIZONS. ***

“One of Them.”  An unusually serious and “quiet” story for a goofball like me (though still plenty twisted).  This appeared in SIDE SHOW: TALES OF THE BIG TOP AND BIZARRE, a circus-themed anthology. ***

“Scarecrow’s Discovery.”  This first appeared in HORRORS!  365 SCARY STORIES (I was responsible for 1/365th of this fine anthology), which you can still order online and which seems to be available in most Barnes & Noble bookstores.  The story also appeared in SHADOWKEEPZINE with a different weapon at the end. ***

“High Stakes.”  A tender little tale about gambling addiction gone terribly, terribly wrong.  This first appeared in PLANET RELISH, an online website for humorous science fiction, and later in WHISTLING SHADE and DOWSE.  Some junior high students e-mailed me to ask permission to do a group project on this story for their English class, and I’m proud to say that they received a well-deserved “A” for their efforts. ***

“I Hold the Stick.”  Literary fiction from me???  Well, not quite.  You’ll just have to read it.  This story appeared in THE ABSINTHE LITERARY REVIEW and WHISTLING SHADE. *** 

“Wasting Grandpa.”  Killing your grandfather isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.  This one appeared in the no-longer-available Wordbeams anthology SCRATCHING THE SURFACE. ***

“Everything Has a Purpose.”  Another story that appeared in SCRATCHING THE SURFACE. I got to read it live on the radio once, and the radio station made it through the night.  ***

“Howard, the Tenth Reindeer.”  Several years ago, I wrote this story and sent it out as a Christmas card.  It was so incredibly popular that the next year I did the same thing with a story called “The Little Girl Who Wished Away Christmas,” which was about .003% as popular.  I sent out “Howard’s Return” the year after that, and I don’t think anybody even read it.  So no more Christmas card stories from me.  Anyway, this story appeared in MERRY MUSES, another Wordbeams anthology that’s no longer available. ***

“The Private Diary of Leonard Parr.”  The first short story I ever had accepted for publication, although not the first one to actually be published.  Appeared in TWISTED MAGAZINE #1.  It has since made its way into my novel OUT OF WHACK.

“The Lust-Mobile.”  A G-rated version of an X-rated story.  Just doing my part to keep our pornography suitable for all ages.  Appeared in NUTHOUSE #39.

“The Cigar Store.”  A Monty Python homage that was published before the Clinton scandal and American Pie, and yet still contains a moment where a clerk confuses a cigar with a flute.   Appeared in THE NOCTURNAL LYRIC #49.

“This Skit Is Extinct.”  My first published piece, a charming little skit about a man who runs through a train shouting “I am not a pterodactyl!” and the man who becomes obsessed with finding out why.  Appeared in LIQUID OHIO #12. 

Really frickin’ bad round robin stories…

“Serial Living.”  A ten-part story, written by myself and four other authors who will be very grateful not to be named here.  We posted it on our respective websites and sent it out to unfortunate subscribers.  It got off to a pretty good start, but when it crashed and burned, it did so in a way that few stories can even aspire to.  Things even got heated behind the scenes, with certain parties being incredibly offended when it was pointed out that the previous chapter had ended with a bunker about to explode, which did not necessarily mean that the characters inside couldn’t drop everything and have sex, but that they should at least say something like “Gosh, it certainly was convenient that the bunker decided not to explode after all, allowing us to drop everything and have sex.”  

“Enclave.”  About twenty-five authors each contributed one chapter to this novel, which by the end was so incoherent that I don’t know how the final author managed to wrap things up.  Oh, wait, I was that final author.  I don’t even remember how I wrapped things up.  If ANYBODY but me read this all the way through, I’ll be amazed.  The authors were permitted to offer this book as a free download from their websites, but as far as I can tell the only evidence that this book ever existed is this paragraph that I’ve just finished writing.

(Update:  I’ve since found Enclave posted in its entirety somewhere on the Internet, but I’m sure not going to post a link here!)