Chainsaws! Chainsaws! Chainsaws!


Recently I was accused of having an abundance of chainsaw references in my fiction. I feel that this observation is FALSE, and so join me on a merry tour as I do a search for “chainsaw” in my books…

 
How to Rescue a Dead Princess: Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it’s a fantasy novel…
 
Elrod McBugle on the Loose: I picked this book second because I was going to go “Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it’s a kids’ book…” But actually Elrod McBugle, when facing the idea of a fight with the school bully, wonders if he could hide a chainsaw behind his back. So I’m 1 for 2.
 
Out of Whack: Travis mentions taking a chainsaw to Seth’s stereo. Hmmm. I really wasn’t expecting to find chainsaw references in my comedies. This could be embarrassing.
 
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary): Andrew Mayhem makes a joke about being chased by a lunatic with a chainsaw. Later there’s a reference to various prop weapons, including a chainsaw, in the movie studio. Then a reference to juggling chainsaws. Then Andrew asks if anybody has a chainsaw to cut Roger free of The Dismemberment Machine (I forgot about that scene–that was way cool). Then a non-running chainsaw stuck in a corpse. Okay, maybe I have a problem.
 
Single White Psychopath Seeks Same: This one, of course, starts off with a great big chainsaw scene. Then there’s a chainsaw in the operating room where really scary stuff happens. But that’s it.
 
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once): In the big exciting finale, a corpse has been outfitted with a chainsaw arm. Son of a bitch…
 
Pressure: A reference to juggling chainsaws. My second reference to juggling chainsaws, for those keeping count. Also a reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that’s pushing it.
 
The Haunted Forest Tour: Another reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but in a completely different context than in Pressure. Then a whole bunch of chainsaw references as some folks go to work against the rapidly growing forest, but I’m pretty sure Jim Moore wrote that scene.
 
Suckers: One of the bad guys uses a chainsaw, and in fact is named Crazy Chainsaw Goon, but J.A. Konrath definitely wrote that part.
 
Gleefully Macabre Tales: This book was mentioned as being particularly chainsaw-obsessed, so let’s see…an early reference to a chainsaw in “Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic,” followed by several more as the aspiring killer decides that a chainsaw is a bad idea. Then a chainsaw is a key plot point in “BrainBugs.” And that’s it. So thirty-two of the stories in this book DON’T contain chainsaws.
 
Disposal: Frank suggests that they decapitate the body-that-won’t-die with a chainsaw, followed by a discussion of the purchase price and availability of a chainsaw.
 
The Sinister Mr. Corpse: Stanley Dabernath, in his pre-zombie film distributor life, owns the rights to a movie called Put Down That Chainsaw, I’m Not Made of Wood. I’d go see that.
 
So, How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the only one of my published books not to contain the word “chainsaw.” Let’s look at some upcoming titles…
 
Benjamin’s Parasite: Benjamin, a high school teacher, has marked up an essay with so much red ink that it looks like a killer has chainsawed a few victims in the vicinity. Later, there’s a dialogue exchange that includes the line “Chainsaw?” Then somebody is described as snoring like an orchestra of chainsaws.
 
The Severed Nose: None!!! Ha!!!
 
Okay. Well. This has been an eye-opening experience. I think it’s time to start writing about meat cleavers…
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