On the eve of the publication of Draculas, author Jeff Strand announced a tell-all memoir entitled Draculas: It May Have Sounded Like Fun, But The Experience of Writing That Book Was Total Crap. Among the shocking revelations contained within:
- Despite their claims of originality, the title Draculas is actually just the plural form of a vampire novel that was written in the 1800’s by an author named Bram Stoker.
- Blake Crouch eats chocolate cake the way Blake wants to eat chocolate cake, societal norms be damned.
- F. Paul Wilson’s last eight Repairman Jack novels were ghostwritten by James Patterson.
- Despite his intense public support for e-books, Joe Konrath’s screensaver reads “Why should I read one of those things when I spend all day on the computer?”
- None of the other authors could figure out why Blake kept insisting upon discussing the project via webcam chats…until one dark, dark night, when all became clear.
- Paul, Blake, and Jeff were provided with fireproof suits to protect themselves from the Molotov cocktails that Joe hurled at every possible bridge connecting them with traditional New York publishing.
- Jeff’s total contribution to Draculas: 23 words, randomly scattered.
- In addition to the 80,000 word novel, Draculas contains 80,000 words’ worth of bonus content. But about 59,000 of those words are Joe repeating “Pet my monkey!” in different fonts. It will disturb you.
- Jeff was only asked to be part of the project after thirty-nine other authors said “hell no.” Among the authors who declined the opportunity were Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Nora Roberts, Dave Barry, Billie Joe Armstrong, Jamie Lee Curtis, Robert Bloch (deceased), and that one chick from Jersey Shore who is making a lot of people have cows because she has a frickin’ book deal and they don’t and everybody knows she’s not even gonna write it herself.
- Paul threatened to quit the project if the others didn’t get rid of Jeff. A rapid unanimous vote later and Jeff’s ass was gone. Then Joe threatened to quit if Blake wasn’t fired, and Blake said “You can’t fire me! I quit!” but unfortunately the timestamps on the e-mails clearly indicated that the firing had come before the quitting. Then Paul and Joe both had simultaneous temper tantrums, leaving nobody left to complete the book. Eventually F. Paul Wilson finished it himself, which is why it’s so awesome.
- To cash in on the name recognition from the cover, from now on Jeff will write as “Strand Wilson.”
Draculas will be available on October 19th. It may even be October 19th when you read this. $2.99 for a full-length novel with more blood than eighteen standard blood-soaked novels combined. Bonus content out the wazoo. If you don’t buy it, then…I dunno, I mean, I don’t want to be disrespectful or anything, but seriously, what’s the matter with you?
Click HERE to get it. Yes, this is mandatory.