The True Secret of JA Konrath’s Success


A sobbing JA Konrath was pulled from his Schaumburg mansion today after the discovery by authorities that his wildly successful e-book venture was, in fact, a money laundering front for a wildly successful cocaine smuggling venture.

“When I first started to hear about his success on the Kindle, I thought, good for him,” said senior DEA agent Bob Floss, speaking under condition of anonymity. “The guy works hard and deserves a little success. But after the six hundred and fifty-seventh time he blogged about how much money he was making…well, I couldn’t help but get suspicious. Why does he keep talking about it? What’s his angle?”

After a subpoena of his Amazon sales records, it was revealed that Konrath’s electronically published works had sold a combined total of forty-one copies, including those the author purchased himself to briefly check the formatting.

“It’s a great scheme. Nobody buys e-books, of course, but if you make the Internal Revenue Service THINK they do, then you’ve got yourself a front for those hundreds of thousands of dollars coming in the door. Let me tell you, this guy knew how to move narcotics. And when he said ‘increase your virtual shelf space,’ what he really meant was ‘diversify.’ Heroin, meth…oh, yeah, he had his fingers in a lot of pies.”

“We should have seen it sooner,” the DEA agent admitted. “The way he kept flaunting his aliases, the guy was practically begging to be caught. Also, there was that one drunken blog post about how much money he was making smuggling cocaine,  which he hurriedly deleted the following morning.”

JA Konrath is scheduled to be hanged at midnight. Schaumburg city officials have yet to determine whether tickets to the execution should be 99 cents or $2.99.

21 Responses to “The True Secret of JA Konrath’s Success”

  1. Kyle L. Says:

    I friggin knew it! I’d say 99 cents, we are in a recession and all, right?


  2. Jim Says:

    I’m sorry. This may be the funniest damn thing you’ve ever written!


  3. Jim Says:

    [I hadn’t noticed the time when I clicked Konrath’s tweet last night about the new publishing deal and turning his back on ebooks. Rat bastard!]


  4. J.A. Konrath Says:

    As they dragged him off, Konrath was quoted with saying, “I did it to help other writers, not because I was bitter! Ebooks are the future! I’m not bitter! Really!”

    His previous traditional publishers refused to comment, but all had filed restraining orders against Konrath for charges of “Constant, unrelenting bitterness.”

    Three of the Big Six publishing houses issued statements that ebooks are not the future at all, paper will be around forever, and there will probably be several hundred new bookstores opening within the next few weeks. The other three couldn’t be reached in time for this report, as they only communicate with the outside world by carrier pigeon.


    • jeffstrand Says:

      You must be dealing with the wrong publishing companies. Mine upgraded to rotary phones months ago.


      • Jeff Cook Says:

        I wanted to let you and Konrath and whoever else is in the cool new horror club that I totally love your books and applaud the stand you’re making and am foisting it off on everyone I know who loves to be scared and/or entertained in any way.

        For my part, I am buying mostly everything you all write whether it’s any good or not (and so far its been very, very good), except the short stories because I HATE HATE HATE the format.

        But I love you. Thank you for making reading fun again.


      • jeffstrand Says:

        Thank you, Jeff!!!


  5. Joanie Says:

    “said senior DEA agent Bob Floss, speaking under condition of anonymity.” too funny Jeff.


  6. Jamie DeBree Says:

    Poor Joe. See what those big houses do to innocent(?) writers? 😉

    A hilarious post *and* a new werewolf novel for my kindle. A good day, to be sure…


  7. lvgaudet Says:

    Konrath has been framed! I’m telling you, it’s all a big frameup conspiracy. The “Big Boys” (a.k.a. “Publishers”) are behind it!


    • jeffstrand Says:

      Konrath was framed for the dead hooker in his trunk (sorry, Joe!) but this time he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.


  8. Stevie Ward Says:

    Brilliant! I knew he was too good to be true.
    Happy April 1st.


  9. Wayne C. Rogers Says:

    You had be laughing my butt off. I knew J.A. couldn’t be making more money on e-book sales than Stephen King’s doing!


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