Cult Movie Mania: Part Of What You Missed If You Weren’t There

Last night, the Tampa Pitcher Show hosted that Cult Movie Mania event I kept bugging you about. Since some of you do not live in Tampa, or Florida, or the United States of America, it was expected that a couple of readers of this website would not be able to attend. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that you missed the vile disgustingness of “Filthy,” or the disgusting vileness of “The Psycho Dish,” or the WTF-ness of “Final Curtain,” but I can post the script to one of the live theatre pieces!

(These were acted by Calvin, Natalie, Tex, and Samantha from Cheap Little Punks, along with Joel Wynkoop. Cash and Andy Lalino put the whole show together.)

This comes after Koopwell the Mentalist has accused the audience of being a bunch of deviants, which they were.


KOOPWELL: Now, watch as I present these two innocent people with a moral quandary…one that may destroy them!

[Koopwell walks over to where Tom and Esmerelda are seated. He is holding a small box with a button on top.]

KOOPWELL: I, Koopwell the Astounding, present you with a gift! If you press this button, you will be given one million dollars…but somebody you do not know will die!

TOM: Oh, hell yeah! Hand it over!

KOOPWELL: You must carefully consider the moral implications of this action. Can you sleep at night, knowing the great price that came with your newfound wealth?

TOM: Sure, I don’t even know the dude. Gimme the button!

KOOPWELL: This is not a decision to take lightly. You must fully consider–

[Tom stands up.]

TOM: Stop talking and just give me the kill button!

[He snatches the box out of Koopwell’s hand and then sits back down.]

TOM: Wow. I’ve always wanted one of these buttons that kills people you don’t know for a million dollars!

ESMERELDA: Are you sure we shouldn’t make a list of pros and cons before we do this?

TOM: That’s sissy talk.

ESMERELDA: But what if it comes with an ironic twist?

TOM: Look, honey, if you waste time worrying about ironic twists, you’ll never get ahead in life. For all we know, the person we don’t know could be a serial killer, who could kill even more people, and the people he kills could get up and kill, and the people they kill could get up and kill!

ESMERELDA: Well, we don’t want that.

[She presses the button.]

KOOPWELL: I am Koopwell the Magnificent, and you have made your moral choice! Check your PayPal account.

TOM: We’re rich! We can buy anything in the world that costs a million dollars or less!

ESMERELDA: Let’s go on a cruise!

TOM: No! I’m going to take that million dollars and buy an army of pugs! An entire army. Oh, they may look harmless, but my army of pugs will take down the entire city of Tampa!

ESMERELDA: Please, Tom, no! Maybe we should invest the money.

TOM: Never! Death and destruction is the way to go! All prepare for the pug apocalypse!

ESMERELDA: Oh, Tom, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore!

[They look at each other for a moment. Tom drops dead.]

KOOPWELL: Yes, life always comes with an ironic twist! In this case, our lovely heroine never expected the irony that…PayPal took out a substantial service fee!


KOOPWELL: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our first film of the evening! Keep in mind that any technical difficulties we might encounter are merely a homage to the great Ed Wood. Remember that. Any screw ups–Ed Wood homage. We promise. So prepare your senses to be assaulted like never before…


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