One Sentence…

The progress of one sentence from my work-in-progress. A kid is riding in the backseat as they drive down a dirt road.

“The car made a THUB THUB THUB sound as if the wheels were going to pop off at any second.”

 I like THUB THUB THUB, as would anybody, but the wheels popping off isn’t funny.

The car made a THUB THUB THUB sound that sounded like important mechanical parts were being left behind.”

Can’t have “sound” and “sounded” so close together. Duh. And “important mechanical parts” still doesn’t work for me.

The car made a THUB THUB THUB sound, and Henry kept glancing out the rear window to make sure that essential automobile components weren’t being left behind.”

It’s better to have the thought come from Henry instead of the omniscient narrator, but this sentence is still not quite there. It’s often funny to use a bigger word than necessary, like “components,” but “essential” is not the right word. Should I go back to “important?” That’s better. Or…

The car made a THUB THUB THUB sound, and Henry kept glancing out the rear window to make sure that useful pieces weren’t being left behind.” 

“Useful” works! Hooray! (I actually had it as “useful pieces of the automobile” and then, as I wrote this blog post, I realized that “of the automobile” was unnecessary.)

One sentence done!

 

EDIT: “The progress of one sentence from my work-in-progress?” What kind of sentence is that? It should be “The evolution of one sentence from my work-in-progress.”

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