How DARE He???

I’m all in favor of free discourse on my website, but sometimes people leave comments that are so offensive that my eyeballs literally glow red with rage. (Or maybe they don’t. I can’t see my own eyeballs and I don’t rush to a mirror when it happens.) Yesterday I posted that I would be a) eating hot dogs, and b) drinking peach Snapple, a perfectly delightful thing to share that received the following comment from a beast named Muriel:

“While, as you know, I usually worship the ground you walk on, I can’t condone this. Hot Dogs are bad, seriously bad, and peach snapple is just unconscionable. How could you?

I’m flabbergasted by the notion that someone whose writing style I enjoy could have a taste in foods that differs significantly from my own, and I will have to think about how this influences my opinion of your literary talent.”

Okay, so Muriel doesn’t like hot dogs. Fair enough. Delicious as they might be, hot dogs aren’t exactly made from the best parts of the raccoon, and I can understand his hesitation to gobble them down. But to call peach Snapple “unconscionable” crosses the line.

To be fair, maybe Muriel doesn’t like peach flavor. Maybe he loves lemon or raspberry Snapple…but I don’t think so. I think he was dissing ALL of Snapple, a universally beloved beverage made from the best stuff on earth.

This is unacceptable.

I will not tolerate those who disrespect Snapple on my website. This is a drink that brings nothing but joy to the world. Smiling faces and happy tummies. I’m going to grant Muriel the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe a neighborhood kid hit him in the head with a bottle of Snapple when he was a wee lad, causing his irrational hatred of the fluid, but really, the only way I will ever truly forgive him is if he posts a picture of himself enjoying a cool refreshing Snapple.

Otherwise, we have nothing more to say to each other.

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