How DARE He???

I’m all in favor of free discourse on my website, but sometimes people leave comments that are so offensive that my eyeballs literally glow red with rage. (Or maybe they don’t. I can’t see my own eyeballs and I don’t rush to a mirror when it happens.) Yesterday I posted that I would be a) eating hot dogs, and b) drinking peach Snapple, a perfectly delightful thing to share that received the following comment from a beast named Muriel:

“While, as you know, I usually worship the ground you walk on, I can’t condone this. Hot Dogs are bad, seriously bad, and peach snapple is just unconscionable. How could you?

I’m flabbergasted by the notion that someone whose writing style I enjoy could have a taste in foods that differs significantly from my own, and I will have to think about how this influences my opinion of your literary talent.”

Okay, so Muriel doesn’t like hot dogs. Fair enough. Delicious as they might be, hot dogs aren’t exactly made from the best parts of the raccoon, and I can understand his hesitation to gobble them down. But to call peach Snapple “unconscionable” crosses the line.

To be fair, maybe Muriel doesn’t like peach flavor. Maybe he loves lemon or raspberry Snapple…but I don’t think so. I think he was dissing ALL of Snapple, a universally beloved beverage made from the best stuff on earth.

This is unacceptable.

I will not tolerate those who disrespect Snapple on my website. This is a drink that brings nothing but joy to the world. Smiling faces and happy tummies. I’m going to grant Muriel the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe a neighborhood kid hit him in the head with a bottle of Snapple when he was a wee lad, causing his irrational hatred of the fluid, but really, the only way I will ever truly forgive him is if he posts a picture of himself enjoying a cool refreshing Snapple.

Otherwise, we have nothing more to say to each other.

6 Responses to “How DARE He???”

  1. Ty Schwamberger Says:

    HA! This is some funny stuff right here! Love it!


  2. Muriel Says:

    Now, first things first, not because it matters, but because I always feel slightly fraudulent whenever my ill-chosen nickname gives rise to this misunderstanding: I’m not a she, I’m a he, but we can continue to pretend I’m female in order to not complicate things, because it really doesn’t matter, I’m just saying, so that’s that.
    Otherwise: Well, how do I eplain that. Uhm… See, the thing is… I don’t really hate Hot Dogs. I actually enjoy the idea of a Hot Dog, and I also like the condiments, and the dried onions, and (obviously) Sauerkraut and whatever else you might put on there, and I sometimes even eat one, although, unfortunately, German Hot Dogs are a bit like American beer, which is to say, not even close to the real thing. So the thing about Hot Dogs, that was just for comedic effect and pulling your leg. Hot Dogs are okay.
    Snapple, on the other hand…
    Unconscionable. You, sir, have no taste in beverages, whatsoever.


    • jeffstrand Says:

      I’ve edited my post to correct your gender. I wouldn’t want to disrespect you the way you’ve disrespected Snapple. I’ll allow you to continue to comment on my website, but only because your country makes such fine gummi bears.


      • Muriel Says:

        On behalf of my country, let me thank for that well-deserved recognition of our sweet and significant contribution to a better world, not just for our kids, but for grown-ups as well.
        We will in turn tolerate your deviant thirst for that disgusting drink and refrain from invading your country, not for lack of indignation, but rather because our experiences with starting wars have not been especially encouraging so far.


  3. Kyle L. Says:

    Never cross a man with his Snapple. I gave Jeff a Snapple at the WHC once, and he literally ripped off my arm getting it, killing two other convention goers in the process of getting to me. I kid you not, those surgeons had a helluva time giving me a new arm.


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