In what I believe is a first for the blogosphere, I am writing this blog while on fire.
I don’t mean that I’m wearing a pair of gloves and one little pinky has a tiny flame on it or something weak like that. I mean that I am literally writing this blog while engulfed in flames, screaming and running around the room, getting soot all over my iPad screen.
Sure, I could jump into the shower, but then this would just be a blog by somebody who was recently on fire, and that’s not all that impressive. No, even though it hurts pretty darn bad, I am going to remain alight until I finish this blog. That’s how important it is to me that you get cutting-edge content.
It’s possible that some of you don’t believe me. “Hogwash!” you’re shouting. “Nobody in that situation would continue to write a charming blog entry instead of seeking medical attention! Hogwash, I say!”
Why has our world become so cynical? Do you really think that I’m so desperate to attract attention to my upcoming young adult novel that I would lie about writing a blog post while on fire? I’m doing this for you. I downplayed the damage to my iPad earlier so that you wouldn’t feel guilty, but it’s melting all over the place and I’ll probably have to buy a new one.
Some of you may be wondering why I don’t post pictures to prove it. I’ll tell you why: because I’m on fire and don’t really have time right now to take pictures of myself just to address your doubts! C’mon, if somebody said “Hey, I drove my car through a guardrail and now I’m teetering over the edge of a cliff and am seconds away from plummeting six hundred feet onto rocks, explosives, and quicksand!” would you ask them to take a picture to prove it? Of course not. That would be rude. All I ask is for the same consideration.
I know, I know: you think that a blog post written while on fire should have more typos. Well, I do have an editor, who will be translating sentences like:
“In what I believe is a first for the blogosphere…”
Anyway, I’m seeing a lot of visible bone on my arm now, so it’s probably time to wrap this up. Thank you for allowing me to make Internet history!