Several months ago, I saw the trailer for Pixels. Never had I been so conflicted about a movie. Because having ’80s video games attack the earth is the greatest idea for a movie ever!!!!!!! but the preview looked pretty awful.

It came out. Word of mouth and reviews were toxic. I was never quite able to work up the enthusiasm to see it for myself, though deep in my heart I thought that maybe people were just going into knee-jerk It’s-an-Adam-Sandler-movie-so-it-sucks mode, and that it could be a lot of fun.

Last night, because I am an absolute PARTY ANIMAL when my wife is out of town, I decided to go see A Walk in the Woods. Then, at the last second, I thought, hey, Pixels starts 15 minutes earlier, I’ll see that instead!

Yes, kids, sometimes in life we make the wrong decisions. The only other people in the theater were a mother and her 10-year-old son, but they left halfway through, presumably because the 10-year-old felt like his intelligence was being insulted. Rarely has a movie conveyed a more tangible sense of, “Y’know, we just don’t care. Like, at all. Where’s the craft services table?”

Humor is subjective, so when I say that every joke is spectacularly, embarrassingly lame, I may be wrong. I can say that Adam Sandler is set up to be a nice guy, who consoles our sobbing heroine after she learns that her ex-husband is getting remarried. Then he tries to kiss her. She rebukes him for his poor timing. He gets angry, starts insulting her, and treats her horribly for much of the film…and I’m pretty sure you, the viewer, are supposed to be saying, “Yeah! That’ll teach that stuck-up chick!”

The “video games in the real world” special effects are pretty cool, and it’s not the movie’s fault that the trailer shows all of them. I’ll accept that being good with a track-ball and a fire button somehow translates into being more skilled at shooting centipedes out of the sky with a laser rifle than the military, because this motion picture is not supposed to be realistic.

Yes, the beginning is specifically set in 1982, when they send the tape into space that is found by the aliens, and the movie doesn’t give a s**t about whether the games represented actually existed in that year, but I don’t…okay, no, I have to admit it, that kinda irked me.

Q*bert talks. Who the hell decided that Q*bert should talk? The whole POINT to Q*bert is that he speaks in random gibberish!  Didn’t they see Wreck-It Ralph???

Anyway, what I guess I’m saying is: Pixels is terrible.

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