FACIAL Cover

Hey, kids (okay, this one isn’t for kids), here’s Zach McCain’s cover to my new novella, Facial, which will be out November 18th from DarkFuse!

Facial Cover

Greg has just killed the man he hired to kill one of his wife’s many lovers. He’s now got a dead body in his office.

Carlton, Greg’s brother, desperately needs a dead body. It’s kind of related to the lion corpse that he found in his basement.

This is the normal part of the story.

From Jeff Strand, the author of Benjamin’s ParasiteThe Sinister Mr. Corpse, and Fangboy, comes a tale that’s weird even by his standards.

Facial. It’s not about what you’re thinking. Well, okay, part of it is…

Posted in Books. 1 Comment »

What Madness Is This???

Why, it’s the cover to the German-language edition of Dead Clown Barbecue, to be published by the demented folks at Voodoo Press. It’s my first foreign language book to get the hardcover collector’s edition treatment, so even if you don’t speak German, head on over to the Voodoo Press page to order yourself a copy!

 

Voodoo Press Dead Clown Barbecue

ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round Five: MR CORPSE vs. THE COLD ONES

The Cold Ones is an awesome zombie novella by Elizabeth Donald. “Ha!” you’re probably shouting at your computer, drawing odd looks from the more dignified members of your household. “You’ve admitted that The Cold Ones is awesome! That means you’ve lost this time, jerk! The Sinister Mr. Corpse is goin’ down!!!”

Wrong! Because do you know what just came out? Blackfire. Do you know what Blackfire is? The Cold Ones II. Let me slap a few figures on you:

# of sequels to The Sinister Mr. Corpse: 0

# of sequels to The Cold Ones: 1

And so I ask, which book got it right the first time? What possible reason could there be to write a sequel to a book unless you re-read it after publication and said “Oh, crap! I left stuff out! Crap! Crap! Crap! Better write a sequel before anybody notices!” When you finish reading The Sinister Mr. Corpse, you don’t need a frickin’ sequel; you need a cigarette. You are sated, baby. You’ve had all the awesomeness you can handle.

Oh, The Cold Ones is jam-packed full of wild zombie action, and I did give it a blurb (“One page in and we’ve got screaming, bleeding, arm-gnawing, gun-grabbing, and spilled coffee. Clearly this is not a leisurely paced tale.”), and you can get a bundle deal of The Cold Ones + Blackfire that even includes an emergency zombie bite kit, but ultimately I am forced to conclude that The Sinister Mr. Corpse is longer, and therefore better.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.

Remember, if you’ve written a zombie book that’s not as good as The Sinister Mr. Corpse, be sure to take the ZOMBIE WARS!!! challenge by e-mailing a link to your book to gleefullymacabre@gmail.com.

The True Secret of JA Konrath’s Success

SCHAUMBURG, IL.

A sobbing JA Konrath was pulled from his Schaumburg mansion today after the discovery by authorities that his wildly successful e-book venture was, in fact, a money laundering front for a wildly successful cocaine smuggling venture.

“When I first started to hear about his success on the Kindle, I thought, good for him,” said senior DEA agent Bob Floss, speaking under condition of anonymity. “The guy works hard and deserves a little success. But after the six hundred and fifty-seventh time he blogged about how much money he was making…well, I couldn’t help but get suspicious. Why does he keep talking about it? What’s his angle?”

After a subpoena of his Amazon sales records, it was revealed that Konrath’s electronically published works had sold a combined total of forty-one copies, including those the author purchased himself to briefly check the formatting.

“It’s a great scheme. Nobody buys e-books, of course, but if you make the Internal Revenue Service THINK they do, then you’ve got yourself a front for those hundreds of thousands of dollars coming in the door. Let me tell you, this guy knew how to move narcotics. And when he said ‘increase your virtual shelf space,’ what he really meant was ‘diversify.’ Heroin, meth…oh, yeah, he had his fingers in a lot of pies.”

“We should have seen it sooner,” the DEA agent admitted. “The way he kept flaunting his aliases, the guy was practically begging to be caught. Also, there was that one drunken blog post about how much money he was making smuggling cocaine,  which he hurriedly deleted the following morning.”

JA Konrath is scheduled to be hanged at midnight. Schaumburg city officials have yet to determine whether tickets to the execution should be 99 cents or $2.99.

ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round Four: MR. CORPSE vs. LONG HORN, BIG SHAGGY

As I continue to demonstrate that The Sinister Mr. Corpse is the finest zombie book ever written, I arrive at my next opponent, Steve Vernon’s Long Horn, Big Shaggy. This book, a weeeeeeiiiiiiirrrrrrrd western novella, features zombie buffalo, but don’t let–

No, no! Don’t click the link! I know, I know, you’re all like “Zombie buffalo??? I’m SO there!” But that defeats the purpose of these challenges, so just take a deep breath and resist. Anyway, I read this book in good old fashioned print a few years ago, back in the age when people would say “It’s an e-book??? Ack!!! Take it away! Take it away! You’re ruining the world!” Even without the zombie buffalo, it’s one of the most entertaining–

You clicked the link, didn’t you? Just couldn’t resist the allure of zombie frickin’ buffalo, could you? Well, STOP it. The zombie buffalo will still be there.

The book takes place in the Old West, though since Steve Vernon is Canadian I’m not sure what he would know about that. The quantity of messed-up stuff that happens in this book is beyond belief. If you took a regular-sized novel, and you punched yourself in the head every time you read something that made you go “Wow! That event was certainly peculiar!”, you wouldn’t have anywhere near as many welts as you would if you did that while reading Long Horn, Big Shaggy.

For a long time you couldn’t get it, though I would’ve happily photocopied my copy if you’d asked nicely. Now, it’s a nice affordable e-book. Within a MINUTE you could be reading it and punching yourself in the head. I strongly recommend both parts of that.

But can it defeat The Sinister Mr. Corpse at Zombie Wars? Hell no. Because humans are better than buffalo at everything except being flavorful in burgers.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.

WOLF HUNT: Digital Edition

Two thugs for hire.

One innocent woman.

And one VICIOUS freakin’ werewolf.

Coming very soon.

ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round Four: MR. CORPSE vs. I AM LEGEND

Are the creatures in Richard Matheson’s 1954 classic I Am Legend vampires or zombies? (Or are they CGI mutants?) George Romero has called this novel the inspiration for Night of the Living Dead, which means that I Am Legend inspired the film that created the modern zombie mythos.

I’m not going to lie to you. My novel The Sinister Mr. Corpse has not yet inspired any modern mythos. If you were to approach 100 people on the street and ask them which of the two novels has made more of an impact on our culture, lots of them would say I Am Legend. I’m okay with that. I don’t feel betrayed at all.

The thing, is, this is ZOMBIE WARS, not ZOMBIE (OR ARE THEY VAMPIRES?) WARS. The Sinister Mr. Corpse contains the word zombie 73 times! That’s even more times than the book contains the f-word! How many times does “zombie” appear in I Am Legend? I think zero. If it’s not zero…well, it’s certainly not 73 times. Richard Matheson can influence the cultural landscape all he wants, but nobody is going to read The Sinister Mr. Corpse and not know if I’m trying to shamelessly cash in on the zombie bandwagon or the vampire bandwagon.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.

ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round Three: MR. CORPSE vs. PET SEMATARY

Uh-oh! For Round Three, The Sinister Mr. Corpse is up against Pet Sematary, one of the scariest books ever written, arguably the finest work by a guy who has created some of the most iconic images in the history of the horror genre. Not to mention that I have been a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award twice, and both times I was defeated by Stephen King.

However, the Bram Stoker Award is decided by others, while ZOMBIE WARS!!! is decided by me. So sorry, Mr. King, but victory goes to The Sinister Mr. Corpse!

In Pet Sematary Stephen King kills a cat and a little kid. What kind of morally reprehensible person kills a cat and a kid? Now, you may be saying “But in Pressure didn’t you–?” but I will quickly interrupt. You like cats, right? LOLCats have added merriment to many an otherwise gloomy day. But, oh, that grouchy old Stephen King, he wants your cat to DIE, and then come back as some creepy “I Can Haz Human Flesh?” zombie cat. I’m not saying that if Stephen King were in your house right now he’d step on your cat, but…actually, I take that back. He would. Stephen King would totally step on your poor cat, just to watch its fur darken with blood.

Do you know how many cats die in The Sinister Mr. Corpse? None. Not a single one. Mr. Corpse is an all-human death zone (excluding one fish) and almost everybody who dies is over the age of eighteen. No little kids perish on MY watch.

Also, look at this silly cover:

So, yeah, Pet Sematary may be a masterpiece, but it doesn’t have one-tenth of the jolly fun you’ll find in my book.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.


ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round Two: Mr. Corpse vs. Night of the Living Trekkies

Night of the Living Trekkies, by Kevin David Anderson and Sam Stall, seems to have an immediate advantage over The Sinister Mr. Corpse because it has two authors instead of one, and is therefore twice as good. After all, Draculas had four authors and was at least four times as good as a solo JA Konrath novel.

But while I have to admit that Night of the Living Trekkies is an extremely entertaining and funny book that works surprisingly well as a legitimate action-packed zombie novel, a quick Wikipedia search shows that Star Trek was cancelled in 1969. 1969. Most people weren’t even born in 1969! Way to spoof a timely target, Anderson & Stall!

The novel requires a ridiculous amount of suspension of disbelief, where the reader is asked to buy into the concept that people have set up an entire convention around that Star Trek show. Seriously? A whole convention? I’m sorry, but you’ve lost me right there. If the book was about a couple of people who accidentally wandered into the hotel, thinking that maybe it was Antiques Roadshow, I could accept the premise, but Anderson & Stall want you to believe that lots of people are there on purpose, some of them dressed in a manner relating to the television program. Like I said, the show was cancelled in 1969. They probably don’t even make clothes like that anymore.

Even wackier is the fact that characters in the book keep talking about Star Trek. In 1969, Gig Young won the Academy Award for Best Actor In A Supporting Role. I don’t think anybody has ever said a single word about Gig Young to me in my entire life, but in this book it’s pretty much non-stop “Star Trek! Zombies! Star Trek! Zombies! Star Trek! Zombies!”

I really enjoyed Night of the Living Trekkies and recommend it to those looking for a fun read, but its hard-to-swallow premise about Star Trek fans keeps it far out of the wingspan of excellence reached by my own contribution to the zombie genre.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.

ZOMBIE WARS!!! Round One: Mr. Corpse vs. Johnny Gruesome

To my slack-jawed astonishment, it’s been brought to my attention that some readers doubt my claim that The Sinister Mr. Corpse is the finest zombie novel ever written. This is particularly odd because I never actually said that out loud, I just whispered it to myself in the mirror, but regardless, I stand by that assessment.

And I’m willing to prove it, by having The Sinister Mr. Corpse face off against every other zombie book out there. Oh, there will be some challenges, but I’m sure that by the end, you’ll all agree that no other zombie novel comes close to the sheer level of awesomeness radiated by my ultimate masterpiece.

Round One: The Sinister Mr. Corpse VS  Johnny Gruesome

Johnny Gruesome by Greg Lamberson may seem like a tough contender. After all, the foreword for the hardcover edition was written by me, the author of The Sinister Mr. Corpse, and my excellent taste has already been well established. Not to mention that Johnny Gruesome has not only a kick-ass theme song, but an entire CD of hard-rockin’ tunes that you can listen to while you read. And there’s even a music video where some chick gets her finger chomped off.

Yes, the novel is a gory good time, and if you’re looking to buy TWO zombie novels this year I might recommend that you purchase a copy…but Johnny Gruesome is a high school student. You know who else is a high school student? That mopey vampire in Twilight. Despite Lamberson’s attempts to portray his lead zombie as a dangerous, scary rebel who wreaks vengeance and stuff, he is ultimately part of the exact same demographic as Edward Cullen! Yeah, I guess Edward is supposed to be a century old, but if he were part of a Nielsen family, he’d check off the same damn box on the form as Mr. Gruesome.

(Edward Cullen’s initials are EC. Johnny Gruesome was inspired by EC comics. Need anything else?)

Yes, Johnny Gruesome is a quality novel, but in the end it’s just too close to a tale about whiny sparkly vampires, and thus cannot compete with the sheer tornado of greatness that is The Sinister Mr. Corpse.

OFFICIAL RULING: The Sinister Mr. Corpse for the win.

If you’ve written a zombie book that you think can compete in a head-to-head duel with me (spoiler alert: it can’t) then e-mail me at gleefullymacabre@gmail.com with a link to your ordering information, and I will be happy to FINISH YOU!!!

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