Here’s a list of my published or to-be-published short stories. If they appear in a collection, I’ve marked if it’s GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES [GMT], DEAD CLOWN BARBECUE [DCB], DEAD CLOWN BARBECUE EXPANSION PACK [DCBEP], or EVERYTHING HAS TEETH [EHT].
“Good Deeds.” Originally titled “The Most Depressing Christmas Song.” If you hate that Christmas shoes song, you’ll enjoy this tale of a guy who is so impressed by his own act of generosity that he writes a song about it. Then bad things happen. Appears in HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SCREAM.
“The Great Stone Face vs. The Gargoyles.” What if Buster Keaton, instead of a brilliant silent film comedian, was a documentarian whose pratfalls were all real? This question, asked by millions, is answered in my story in FANTASTIC TALES OF TERROR.
“Clickers vs. Mandibles: The Tale of an Unwritten Saga.” Half non-fiction, half short-story. This tells of the CLICKERS VS. MANDIBLES novel that I never wrote with J.F. Gonzalez, and appears in the upcoming J.F. Gonzalez tribute anthology CLICKERS FOREVER.
“Clyde the Necrophile.” Pretty much just what the title says, I guess. To appear in the humorous horror anthology A SHARP STICK IN THE EYE.
“Shock Collar.” A short story of exactly 100 words, written for an anthology of all stories of exactly 100 words, COLLECTED HORROR DRABBLES, coming soon.
“Lab Experiment Turf War.” It’s kind of like WEST SIDE STORY except with horrific examples of scientific experimentation gone wrong. To appear in the ’50s themed anthology HOT RODS, HAIR PINS, AND HORROR.
“Don’t Make Fun of the Haunted House.” Just because it’s the lamest haunted house ever to appear in a carnival doesn’t mean you won’t lose your mind. Appeared in MASTERS OF HORROR.
“Rotten Eggs.” Older sisters can be jerks. Appeared in COLLECTED EASTER SHORTS.
“The Tipping Point,” “Chiggers,” “Alien Face,” “Dead Bigfoot on the Lawn,” “The Eggman Falleth,” and “Dad (A True Story)” all appeared for the first time in EVERYTHING HAS TEETH.
“Coping Mechanism.” One of my only efforts at writing in somebody else’s world. This story appeared in INTO PAINFREAK, based on Gerard Houarner’s PAINFREAK.
“December Birthday.” When a man hears “It’s a birthday present AND a Christmas present!” one too many times, things go horribly wrong. Appeared in CHRISTMAS HORROR VOLUME 2.
“Hostile.” A story about squandering the opportunities given to you as a paying customer who gets to kill people. Appeared in D.O.A. III.
“The Wrong Dentist,” “Headspin,” “Bradley Went Crunch,” “Box of Chocolates,” “Laundry Day,” “Bernie,” “Guillotine,” “Thrill Ride,” “A Real Haunting,” “The Most Entertaining Man in the Elevator,” “Chick,” “A Story I’m Writing While Being Devoured by a Lion,” “Grouchy McGrumpyPants Hates April Fool’s Day,” “Jigsaw Puzzle,” “The Guy Who Didn’t Want to Murder Anybody With a Hammer,” “How’s My Driving?” Flash fiction stories that appeared in my newsletter.
“Giant Mutant Cockroaches in the Old West Versus Zombies.” A short story sequel to “Them Old West Mutations.” Did anybody expect a sequel to that particular story? No. Did anybody ask for one? No. I care not. To appear in THE UNLEASHED.
“No Tomato.” A tale about 1) the importance about getting food orders right, and 2) the importance of being respectful to your servers. Appeared in the anthology DARK PLACES, EVIL FACES.
“Beware! The! Beverage!” Energy drinks, delicious and nutritious as they may be, can have horrific side effects. Appeared in SPLATTERPUNK’S NOT DEAD.
“Pointy Canes.” Do any of your relatives have weird habits during the holidays? Such as, say, a creepy uncle who sucks candy canes down to a point then saves them? If so, you can relate to this tale, which appeared in the anthology CHRISTMAS HORROR.
“Awakening.” It’s kind of inconvenient to discover that you are, in fact, a sadistic serial killer. Do you stop sawing off people’s limbs, or just go with your true nature? Appeared in SPLATTERPUNK ZINE.
“Deformed Son.” Sure, you can spend the night here because your car broke down, but don’t go down in the basement where my deformed son is locked up. Really. Don’t do it. Appeared in AGHAST magazine. [EHT]
“Gave Up The Ghost.” A panicked writer will do anything to get his novel back after his computer crashes, including trying to communicate with its ghost in the afterlife. The movie version, directed by Greg Lamberson, appears in the horror anthology film CREEPERS. [DCBEP]
“John Henry, Steel Drivin’ Man.” A comedic take on the classic folk ballad. Appears in OUT OF TUNE. [EHT]
“The Sentient Cherry Cola That Tried To Destroy The World.” I guess the title pretty much sums this one up. Better luck next time, other authors who hope to win the Pulitzer Prize next year! Appears in ANYTHING BUT ZOMBIES. [EHT]
“Nails.” Not metal nails. Fingernails. They seem so innocent, hanging out on the end of your fingers, but what if they have a sudden growth spurt? Appears in DEAD HARVEST. [EHT]
“Faerie.” A story about a faerie that may or may not be real. There may or may not also be a cannibalism element. Appeared in the May 2014 issue of THE HORROR ZINE. [EHT]
“Death to Trees.” My buddy and fellow author James Newman was in an accident where a giant tree branch fell and broke the crap out of his arm. The anthology WIDOWMAKERS was put together to help with his medical bills, and my story is about James Newman’s vengeance.
“Dismemberment Fraud.” A tribute to the Godfather of Gore Herschell Gordon Lewis. Appeared in the anthology THE GRUESOME TENSOME.
“It’s Bath Time.” Mr. Rogers once did a song assuring young children that they couldn’t go down the bathtub drain. But was Mr. Rogers LYING? (No. Mr. Rogers would never lie. He was merely ignorant of the incredible dangers that a a child faces when the water drains…) Appears in HORROR LIBRARY, VOLUME 5. [EHT]
“The Fierce Stabbing and Subsequent Post-Death Vengeance of Scooter Brown.” I think that title is pretty self-explanatory. Appears in PIERCING THE DARKNESS. [EHT]
“Hologram Skull Cover.” Rick Hautala died this year, and this story was written as a tribute to him and his bestselling novel NIGHT STONE, which had one of those hologram skull covers that were so beloved in 80’s horror. Appears in MISTER OCTOBER, VOLUME 2.
“Apocalypse of the Yard Gnome.” This was originally set to appear in an anthology called YARD GNOMES OF THE APOCALYPSE that never came out. Sure, I could have waited for another anthology with an apocalyptic yard gnome theme to put out a call for submissions, but instead I sent it to THE HORROR ZINE. [EHT]
“A Bit of Christmas Mayhem.” An Andrew Mayhem tale to put you in the holiday spirit! Appeared in SPLATTERPUNK Issue #4. [DCBEP]
“The Fraud.” Sometimes I write funny, lighthearted tales. Sometimes…not so much. Appeared in MADHOUSE.
“Stumps.” Immortality is pretty awesome if you think about it. But if you think about it a little more, it suddenly becomes less awesome. Hint: the title of this story does not refer to what remains after a tree is chopped down. Appears in FEAR THE REAPER. [EHT]
“Cry.” This touching story opens with “My tears spill onto the keyboard as I write this.” Then, of course, it follows that it up with “It’s pretty much because I just finished rubbing freshly sliced habanero peppers into my eyes,” so I guess it’s not all that touching. Appears in BLOOD RITES. [EHT]
“A Flawed Fantasy.” Some fantasies sound pretty awesome, until you actually break them down and analyze the logic. Appears in CHIRAL MAD. [DCBEP]
“The Car.” What nightmarish secrets lurk in...the car??? Actually, none. This story has nothing to do with nightmarish secrets lurking in a car. It’s actually about vampire games, and appeared in HIGH STAKES, a collection of stories conveniently about vampire games. [DCPEP]
“The Loneliest Jackalope.” When editors e-mail you and ask if you’d be willing to write a story about a jackalope for a collection of stories about jackalopes, the only correct response is “Yes!!!” So this one appears in UNNATURAL TALES OF THE JACKALOPE. [DCPEP]
“The Carver.” A ghastly serial killer is ready to claim his next victim, who may get a most unusual revenge… Appears in the World Horror Convention 2012 Souvenir Book. [DCB]
“Confession.” A very bad man talks about the very bad things he has done. Appears in the premiere issue of SPLATTERPUNK, a horror ‘zine.
“The Origin of Slashy.” I’m not going to lie to you–this one is messed up. Appears in CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY? a collection of stories about people with superhuman powers not behaving in the most polite manner. [EHT]
“Tin Cans.” A story about communication using a method that is less than the cutting edge of technology. Appeared in the World Horror Convention 2013 Souvenir book. [DCBEP]
“Inside the Boxes.” What does Grandma keep in her attic? Sweet, precious things, or something nastier? Probably something nastier, but find out for sure in ATTIC TOYS! [DCBEP]
“Rocky Wood, Skeleton Killer.” Rocky Wood is a real person. Does he really defend humanity against the ongoing menace of reanimated skeletons? Perhaps. Perhaps not. You can read about it in RAGE AGAINST THE NIGHT.
“Pet Semmuteary,” “Stop Stabbing Me,” “Pregnancy Test,” “Push the Button,” “Fangboy and the Troll,” “True Hero.” “Dummy.” Seven stories that appeared for the first time in DEAD CLOWN BARBECUE.
“Work/Life Balance.” A manager institutes various new policies to benefit his employees, but what happens when corporate life has too much freedom? Appears in HELP WANTED, a collection of stories about horror in the workplace. [DCB]
“Specimen 313.” What IS Specimen 313? Appears in THE MONSTER’S CORNER, a collection of tales where you’re rooting for the monsters, edited by Christopher Golden. Also available as a FREE download right here! [DCB]
“Scrumptious Bone Bread.” So the giant in “Jack and the Beanstalk” was always talking about grinding bones into bread. Does that really work? Is the bread any good? A murderous redneck decides to satisfy his curiosity. Appears in BLOOD LITE III. [DCBEP]
“Chomp! (A Cautionary Tale).” It is said that those who are pure of heart can reach into the mouth of the ancient stone statue and retrieve a jewel of incalculable value. If you’re not pure of heart…well, you probably shouldn’t do that. Appeared in the anthology RELICS & REMAINS. [DCB]
“The Story of My First Kiss.” This kind of sounds like a sweet little romance story. I wonder if it is? Appeared on the website The Horror Zine in July 2011 and also the collection A FEAST OF FRIGHTS. [EHT]
“Dead in the Water.” Yes, kids, it’s the zombie apocalypse, and if you’re trying to get from Tampa, Florida to St. Petersburg (also Florida), you have to cross a long bridge over the bay. Bad things could happen. Appeared in ZOMBIE NATION: ST. PETE. [DCB]
“Eight-Legged Vengeance.” If you’re trying to seek revenge on your girlfriend, and you’re thinking about baking a tarantula into a cake, this story will show you why that’s a poor idea. In BLOOD LITE II. [DCB]
“Drain Bamage.” A kid drops his baby sister on her head and deals with a lifetime of guilt. In HORROR LIBRARY, VOLUME IV. [DCB]
“Rough Draft.” A story that pretended to be a rough draft, but wasn’t. It’s hard to explain. Appeared at Horror World for a month; will probably have to wait until my next collection to appear again. [DCB]
“My Knife Collection.” This story accompanied an interview with me in Cemetery Dance #60. [DCB]
“Burden.” A guilt-ridden man has to care for his wheelchair-bound brother, and he doesn’t like it at all. A rather unpleasant tale that appeared in Shroud Magazine #6. [DCB]
“The Bell…FROM HELL!!!” If you were in possession of a bell forged by Lucifer, would you use it for good or evil? Appeared in the Horror Writers Association anthology BLOOD LITE, from Pocket Books. [DCB]
“The Apocalypse Ain’t So Bad.” Check it out in HORROR LIBRARY, VOLUME 3. An uplifting tale about how the end of the world doesn’t have to be such a bummer. Also appears in HORROR FOR GOOD. [DCB]
“The Big Bite.” A giant vampire goes on a rampage in a tale that explores that idea that once a vampire reaches sixty feet tall, their vampirism becomes largely irrelevant. Appeared in the anthology MONSTROUS. [DCB]
“The Drop.” A wee tiny scrap of flash fiction, which appeared on the Delirium Books website. [DCB]
“Immunity.” A wee tiny scrap of zombie flash fiction, which appeared in the zombie flash fiction anthology BITS OF THE DEAD, and was reprinted in BEST ZOMBIE TALES VOLUME 1. [DCB]
“Mr. Twitcher’s Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine.” I guess the title makes it pretty clear what this one is about. If you have an objection to tales that involve babies, chopping, or both elements combined, you’ll want to steer clear. Appeared in DESOLATE SOULS, the 2008 World Horror Convention souvenir anthology. [DCB]
“Comeuppance.” Tattoos gone wrong. Originally appeared at Horror World, and now appears in a special (to me, anyway) issue of DARK RECESSES magazine…for free! [DCB]
“Here’s What Happened…” Gore galore! A guy tries to relate the tale of a gruesome massacre to his uninterested buddy.. Appeared in WAITING FOR OCTOBER. [DCB]
“The Bad Candy House.” Sometimes you’ve just gotta write a really mean-spirited Halloween tale. Appeared in HALLOW’S EVE, a charity anthology, and later in WAITING FOR OCTOBER. [GMT]
“Poor Career Choice.” Our good friend Andrew Mayhem meets up with a professional assassin. Or a not-so-professional assassin. This story appears in THESE GUNS FOR HIRE, an anthology of hit-man stories featuring lots of mystery/thriller authors much, much, much more famous than me. [DCB]
“Special Features.” A delightful tale for those DVD fanatics out there. Appears in POST MORTEM #4. [GMT]
“Bad Coffee.” A piece of flash-fiction that was printed on a coffee mug, “published” by Insidious Reflections. Only 25 of ’em were offered for sale, so it’s one of the ultimate Jeff Strand collector’s items…as long as you don’t run it through the dishwasher! [GMT]
“The Socket.” Got a “thing” about things happening to eyeballs? Don’t read this one. Seriously. Appeared in DEATHGRIP: EXIT LAUGHING, a humorous horror anthology from Hellbound Books. [GMT]
“Glimpses.” Another one of my rare ventures into serious, downbeat territory. But, y’know, there’s funny stuff too. Appeared in BARE BONES #8, published by Raw Dog Screaming Press. [GMT]
“Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic.” This appeared as a seriously disturbed chapbook from Biting Dog Press. The chapbook once sold on eBay for slightly more than cover price, which made me feel like a superstar. [GMT]
“Them Old West Mutations.” Mutant killer cockroaches in the Old West. Perhaps not the most serious, introspective thing I’ve ever written. Appeared in TRIP THE LIGHT HORRIFIC, an anthology of humorous horror. [GMT]
“Really, Really Ferocious.” A story about a wiener dog. Everybody likes wiener dogs. Available in SMALL BITES, an anthology of 500-word stories about things that eat people. [GMT]
“A Bite For A Bite.” Zombie goodness! Another SMALL BITES tale. [GMT]
“Abbey’s Shriek.” One of my sickest pieces, an 7000-word story published in the anthology BEYOND THE MUNDANE: UNRAVELINGS from Mundania Press. [GMT]
“Roasting Weenies by Hellfire.” If “splatstick” was a term that I had coined, I’d use it to describe this story. But I didn’t, so I’ll just call this story “gory slapstick.” It appears in the anthology THE HORROR WRITERS’ NETWORK PRESENTS: NEW VOICES IN HORROR and the magazine KOPFHALTER. [GMT]
“Quite a Mess.” An extremely short (150 words) gross-out gag. The world can never have too many of those, in my opinion. Appeared in the UK horror magazine FUSING HORIZONS. [GMT]
“One of Them.” An unusually serious and “quiet” story for a goofball like me (though still plenty twisted). This appeared in SIDE SHOW: TALES OF THE BIG TOP AND BIZARRE, a circus-themed anthology. [GMT]
“Scarecrow’s Discovery.” This first appeared in HORRORS! 365 SCARY STORIES (I was responsible for 1/365th of this fine anthology), which you can still order online and which seems to be available in most Barnes & Noble bookstores. The story also appeared in SHADOWKEEPZINE with a different weapon at the end. [GMT]
“High Stakes.” A tender little tale about gambling addiction gone terribly, terribly wrong. This first appeared in PLANET RELISH, an online website for humorous science fiction, and later in WHISTLING SHADE and DOWSE. Some junior high students e-mailed me to ask permission to do a group project on this story for their English class, and I’m proud to say that they received a well-deserved “A” for their efforts. [GMT]
“I Hold the Stick.” Literary fiction from me??? Well, not quite. You’ll just have to read it. This story appeared in THE ABSINTHE LITERARY REVIEW and WHISTLING SHADE. [GMT]
“Wasting Grandpa.” Killing your grandfather isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. This one appeared in the no-longer-available Wordbeams anthology SCRATCHING THE SURFACE. [GMT]
“Everything Has a Purpose.” Another story that appeared in SCRATCHING THE SURFACE. I got to read it live on the radio once, and the radio station made it through the night. [GMT]
“Howard, the Tenth Reindeer.” Several years ago, I wrote this story and sent it out as a Christmas card. It was so incredibly popular that the next year I did the same thing with a story called “The Little Girl Who Wished Away Christmas,” which was about .003% as popular. I sent out “Howard’s Return” the year after that, and I don’t think anybody even read it. So no more Christmas card stories from me. Anyway, this story appeared in MERRY MUSES, another Wordbeams anthology that’s no longer available. [GMT]
“The Private Diary of Leonard Parr.” The first short story I ever had accepted for publication, although not the first one to actually be published. Appeared in TWISTED MAGAZINE #1. It has since made its way into my novel OUT OF WHACK.
“The Lust-Mobile.” A G-rated version of an X-rated story. Just doing my part to keep our pornography suitable for all ages. Appeared in NUTHOUSE #39.
“The Cigar Store.” A Monty Python homage that was published before the Clinton scandal and American Pie, and yet still contains a moment where a clerk confuses a cigar with a flute. Appeared in THE NOCTURNAL LYRIC #48.
“This Skit Is Extinct.” My first published piece, a charming little skit about a man who runs through a train shouting “I am not a pterodactyl!” and the man who becomes obsessed with finding out why. Appeared in LIQUID OHIO #12.
Really frickin’ bad round robin stories…
“Serial Living.” A ten-part story, written by myself and four other authors who will be very grateful not to be named here. We posted it on our respective websites and sent it out to unfortunate subscribers. It got off to a pretty good start, but when it crashed and burned, it did so in a way that few stories can even aspire to. Things even got heated behind the scenes, with certain parties being incredibly offended when it was pointed out that the previous chapter had ended with a bunker about to explode, which did not necessarily mean that the characters inside couldn’t drop everything and have sex, but that they should at least say something like “Gosh, it certainly was convenient that the bunker decided not to explode after all, allowing us to drop everything and have sex.”
“Enclave.” About twenty-five authors each contributed one chapter to this novel, which by the end was so incoherent that I don’t know how the final author managed to wrap things up. Oh, wait, I was that final author. I don’t even remember how I wrapped things up. If ANYBODY but me read this all the way through, I’ll be amazed. The authors were permitted to offer this book as a free download from their websites, but as far as I can tell the only evidence that this book ever existed is this paragraph that I’ve just finished writing.
(Update: I’ve since found Enclave posted in its entirety somewhere on the Internet, but I’m sure not going to post a link here!)