Bratwurst In The House


My author copies of Bad Bratwurst arrived today. Yes, they come in a snazzy blue envelope. You can order your very own copy from White Noise Press on May 4th.


Collection III Title

I almost have enough short stories to fill a third book…however, a few of those stories haven’t even had their original publication yet, and many of the others are still too new, contractually, for me to reprint them. So I decided a while back that my third short story collection would be all-new material.

I haven’t written a word of it yet, but at this point, the title will be Gut Busters. Keep watching this space for updates throughout the writing process. (And sometime soon I’ll write a post about how writing seven brand-new stories for Dead Clown Barbecue backfired!)

Meanwhile, my joke-writing for emceeing the Bram Stoker Awards is coming along nicely. If somebody were to say, “Surprise–the awards ceremony is TONIGHT!” I’d be screwed, but since it’s more than a week away and I’m almost done, very little perspiration is being leaked.

I do need to pick something for my reading at the World Horror Convention. Right now, I’m leaning toward an excerpt from The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever.

Eyeball Inspection

I had my annual eye exam today. In a bizarre change from standard operating procedure, my prescription didn’t get stronger, meaning that I HAVE CONQUERED THE AGING PROCESS!!!!!! I will use my newfound immortality to catch up on Orange Is The New Black, and also maybe to watch Daredevil and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Have you ever been expecting a bad customer service experience, and it’s almost a little disappointing when you have a good one? When I transferred my screenwriting software to my new computer, the serial number used to authorize the new machine didn’t work, and in fact it wanted a completely different number of digits. And I was all like, “Those bastards are going to tell me that my license is no longer valid for this update of the software, and I’m going to be FILLED WITH ANGER AND RAGE AND FURY!

But, no, they just sent me a new serial number and everything is working fine. It was a complete waste of some perfectly good indignation. Bummer.

Productivity Tracking!

So I’ve got this big cork bulletin board. It’s covered with index cards representing To-Do items, and also books in progress. Underneath the book titles are long columns of colored pins. Each pin represents 1000 words. When I write those 1000 words, the colored pin is replaced with a wooden pin. When all of the colored pins have been replaced by wooden pins, the book is done!

The cork board isn’t going anywhere, but I spent a little bit of time this weekend researching iPhone apps that allow OCD tracking of writing productivity. Any suggestions?

My World Horror Convention 2015 Schedule

The tentative 2015 World Horror Convention (in Atlanta!) programming schedule has been posted right HERE. The convention is May 7-10, and all of the cool kids will be there. Here’s my official schedule:


8:00 PM: Reaching The Teen Audience. I’ll be moderating this panel discussion on young adult fiction. Panelists include Courtney Alameda, Jake Bible, John Dixon, Alethea Kontis, and Jonathan Maberry,

9:00 PM: Gave Up The Ghost screening. Yes, it’s your chance to see Gave Up The Ghost! Preceded by a screening of Chomp, and followed by a screening of Jizzly Bear.


11:00 AM: Reading. What will I read??? I don’t know yet. Something cool, though.

6:30 PM: Mass Signing. A huge room full of authors! Buy books! Bring books from home to get signed! Ask me to sign your souvenir program book! Or get nothing signed and just walk over to say hi. The choice is yours!


4:00 PM: Macabre Metamorphoses: From Werewolves to Skinwalkers to Shapeshifters. As the author of Wolf Hunt AND Wolf Hunt 2, I’m hopefully qualified to be on this panel with Bill Bridges, Brick Marlin, Kami Garcia, Stephen Graham-Jones, Brad C. Hodson, and Tim Waggoner.

7:30 PM: Bram Stoker Awards Banquet. I’m Master of Ceremonies for the seventh time. Have I run out of jokes? You’ll find out! As always, there will be live streaming video of the event if you want to watch in your pajamas.

Be there!!!

Print It

I can unlock my new phone with my thumb, but it doesn’t say “SCANNING…SCANNING…IDENTITY VERIFIED.” What good is that?

Eye Phone

I upgraded my phone yesterday. I’m no longer using 2010 technology like some godless primate. Things that were SORCERY a few years ago are now all lame and stuff (“Waaahhh! It’s taking too long to load my tweets!”) but now I’m caught up with 2014, where I will remain until 2020.

The weekend after next (April 30-May 3) I’ll be at the Sunscreen Film Festival in St. Petersburg, Florida. Chomp will be screening there three times. WHO’S GOING?

The weekend after that (May 7-10) I’ll be at the World Horror Convention in Atlanta, Georgia. WHO’S GOING?

10 Questions With Me!

The lovely and talented Carl Alves sent me 10 questions, I sent him back 10 answers, and he posted the whole thing on his blog for your reading enjoyment. If you can only work up the emotional investment necessary to read the first  7 or 8, that’s cool, no offense taken. Click on the handy link below.

Anything But Zombies

A while back, I mentioned that I’d written a story called “The Sentient Cherry Cola That Tried To Destroy The World.” You probably thought I was making it up. At the very least, you didn’t think it was going to be in an anthology published by Simon & Schuster.

But, coming May 26th, it’s Anything But Zombies, tales of non-zombie apocalypse. If you’re the pre-ordering type, you can pre-order it right HERE.

Have Some BAD BRATWURST on May 4th

Bad Bratwurst Cover

Yes, coming May 4th from the fine folks at White Noise Press, it’s my chapbook Bad Bratwurst!

Klaus has made the finest bratwurst in Germany for thirty years, but his shop has fallen upon hard times. He needs to try something new. Something innovative. Offer a product his customers can’t get anyplace else.

The answer may or may not involve human flesh. We’re not going to spoil it right here in the description. Sure, this is a tale of MIND-BENDING HORROR, so you’d be justified in thinking that bratwurst made from people may be somehow incorporated into the narrative, but maybe that’s not it. It could be something completely different.

Look, if you enjoy stories about cannibalism, we’re not going to steer you away. There may indeed be somebody eating meat that used to be a living, breathing human being. We won’t completely discount that possibility. We’re simply saying that it’s not the ONLY possibility.

Okay, fine, this story is about eating bratwurst made from human flesh. Are you happy?!?

From Jeff Strand, the author of PRESSURE, DWELLER, and DEAD CLOWN BARBECUE, comes the ultimate in cannibalism themed chapbooks. Don’t lick the pages. You don’t know what they used to be.

Bad Bratwurst Schlecht

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