Everyone who’s met me says, “Goodness gracious, you’re ever so manly!” So when Man Crates asked me to write a blog about what I’d include in a horror movie survival crate, I growled in an incredibly masculine manner and said yes.
They offer gifts for MEN in crates that you have to open using a crowbar. Yes, that’s right, you can use a crowbar for its intended purpose of prying open things, instead of just using it to defend yourself against a serial killer.
Anyway, the apocalypse is on its way, and with that comes surviving in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Assuming you make it through the initial wave of death and destruction, here’s what you’ll want to have:
- Books. You won’t spend the entire post-apocalypse being chased around by zombies. There’s going to be a lot of downtime. Therefore, it’s important to have plenty of books. Stacks of them. All genres. Deep, meaningful literature and brainless beach reads.
- Several extra pairs of glasses. We learned the lesson from Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode–the apocalypse doesn’t do you any good if you break your glasses. And you need more than one extra pair, because any decent apocalypse is going to be chock full of opportunities to break your glasses, so pack as many pairs as you can fit into that crate.
- Large-print books. You thought that a dozen pairs of glasses were enough, but you didn’t count on a group of bandits breaking into your bunker. If you’ve got a nice big stack of large-print books available, you can avoid weeping and saying, “It’s not fair! There was time!”
- Audiobooks. Eventually your eyesight is going to deteriorate to the point where large-print books won’t cut it. Or (and it’s unpleasant to think about) a zombie will eat your eyeballs. You don’t want to be moping around the post-apocalyptic landscape, cursing your hollow eye sockets. If you’ve got plenty of audiobooks, you can avoid the ironic twist.
- A raconteur. Audiobooks require a source of power. At some point, you’ll use up all of your batteries, and your generator will run out of gasoline. So you’ll need a skilled storyteller to keep you entertained. Certainly there are moral issues involved with keeping a human being in a crate, but after the apocalypse, these things won’t be regulated.
- Food. Make sure your reading needs are taken care of first, but, yeah, I guess you’d better have some food.
Wow, that was almost TOO manly, wasn’t it? If you’re a man, or know any men, get over to Man Crates and order some manly stuff. Rrraarrr!!!!
And while we’re at it, listen to The Arrogant Worms and “A Manly Song.”