How I Spent Thanksgiving

Frightening Scary Terror in the Cave

Last year I wrote a script for Big Spooky Radio Spookytime, which was performed live at the 2015 Twin Cities Horror Festival. It was a very, very silly script. If you’re currently in the mood for something shamelessly silly, here ya go…

“FRIGHTENING SCARY TERROR IN THE CAVE”

by Jeff Strand

YVONNE: All right, everyone! We’re finally here! Our exciting cave exploration adventure begins now! Can I get a “Woo”?

MARK: Woo!

LAURIE: Woo!

CRAIG: Woo!

BRANDI: Woo!

PETER: Woot! Wait, was there supposed to be a “T” at the end? I see a lot of t’s at the end when I see it online. Sorry, I’m not very good at making sounds of enthusiasm.

YVONNE: Is everybody ready? Let’s do this!

PETER: Can I say something before we start?

YVONNE: Sure.

PETER: If there’s a cave-in and we get trapped down there for days, I do not give the rest of you permission to eat my arm.

YVONNE: That’s fine.

PETER: I apologize if that sounds selfish, but it’s just the way I feel. If we’re drawing straws, leave me out of it. I thought I should say that before the situation comes up, so there aren’t any surprises.

YVONNE: All right, Peter.

PETER: And just to clarify, I won’t be asking to eat anybody else’s arm, either. That wouldn’t be fair.

YVONNE: It’s time to head down there! Can I get a–no, wait, I already asked for and received the woo’s. Let’s do this!

LAURIE: Question.

YVONNE: Yes, Laurie?

LAURIE: Isn’t this the supposedly haunted cave where six people died last year?

YVONNE: Yes. I told you that. You had eight hours in the car to come to terms with it.

LAURIE: I guess I didn’t realize until now that it was called Blood Spurt Cave.

YVONNE: It was on the invite.

MARK: In dripping red letters.

BRANDI: With screaming skulls around the border.

CRAIG: And when you opened the card it played scary music and made the sound of maniacal laughter. I’ve got the card right here.

SOUND F/X: SCARY MUSIC, FOLLOWED BY MANIACAL LAUGHTER.

LAURIE: Fair enough. I suppose I could have been more attentive.

YVONNE: Look, if anybody doesn’t want to explore this cave, they can wait in the car.

LAURIE: Nah, I left my iPad at home.

YVONNE: Let’s descend. Make sure you hold on tight to the rope, because…

LAURIE: [Screams as she falls a great distance.]

SOUND F/X: THUMP.

YVONNE: Not gonna lie. I figured one of us was going to plummet to their death, but I thought it would happen later.

MARK: What are we going to do? We can’t just leave Laurie’s splattered body down there!

PETER: How do her arms look?

YVONNE: Everybody stay calm. Her death is a tragedy, but she wouldn’t want it to ruin our vacation.

MARK: She was trying to ruin our vacation while she was still alive!

YVONNE: I promise that we won’t leave her down there for the cave-rats. All I’m saying is that maybe we could scoop her up on the way back.

CRAIG: Even I think you’re being cold-hearted, and we all know that I’m the sociopath of the group.

YVONNE: Fine. We’ll take a vote. All in favor of getting Laurie and then leaving, raise your hands.

SILENCE.

YVONNE: I can’t hear you.

SOUND F/X: SWISH! SWISH! SWISH! SWISH!

YVONNE: All right, that’s four in favor. And, yes, I’ll admit that Laurie’s dying wish was probably that we would treat her corpse with dignity. So who wants to go back to the car and get the plastic baggies?

BRANDI: I’ll do it. Don’t mourn without me.

MARK: While she’s getting the baggies, I’ll climb down there. I’ll focus more closely on safety precautions than she did so that I don’t meet the same grisly fate.

YVONNE: All right, we’re watching you climb down the rope.

CRAIG: You are successfully climbing down the rope.

PETER: You are almost halfway down the rope. Keep up the good work.

YVONNE: I’d estimate that you are three-quarters of the way down the rope. Continue keeping up the good work.

MARK: I believe it’s safe for me to let go now.

CRAIG: Nope, not yet.

MARK: Whoa, thanks for the warning. I almost made a fatal mistake.

YVONNE: You’re at the bottom of the rope now.

MARK: Wow, the floor of this cave is really soft and squishy and spongy and…oh, wait, that’s Laurie. That was kind of disrespectful on my part.

BRANDI: I’m back. I’m tossing the baggies down now.

MARK: Got ’em. Why didn’t you pour out the potato chips first?

BRANDI: If I had, you’d be all like, “Why did you waste the potato chips, Brandi? They were our snack for the drive home. Those things don’t grow on trees, you know. They grow underground. That’s how potatoes are grown, Brandi. They grow them in dirt and then they thinly slice them and then they deep-fry them and then they add salt and other flavoring. You don’t know anything, Brandi. You don’t understand how the world works, Brandi.”

YVONNE: I don’t think any of us would have said that.

MARK: It’s fine. I should be really grossed out right now, since I’m still standing on Brandi’s innards, but actually, I could use a snack.

SOUND F/X: POTATO CHIPS CRUNCHING.

SOUND F/X: FLAPPING WINGS.

SOUND F/X: MORE POTATO CHIPS CRUNCHING.

SOUND F/X: MORE FLAPPING WINGS.

SOUND F/X: MORE POTATO CHIPS CRUNCHING.

SOUND F/X: MORE FLAPPING WINGS.

YVONNE: Does anybody hear something else besides Mark eating potato chips?

CRAIG: It kind of sounds like bats.

MARK: Don’t be ridiculous. There are no bats in caves.

SOUND F/X: FLAPPING WINGS.

MARK: Oh no! My biology was incorrect!

BRANDI: Run, Mark, run!

MARK: They’re all over me! Their teeth and claws are pointy and painful! One of them is draining blood from my left earlobe! One of them is gnawing on the cartilage of my right kneecap! No, no, don’t unspool those! There are now seventeen or eighteen active geysers on my body! Nooooooo!

CRAIG: Mark is dead!

PETER: Maybe he’s not dead!

CRAIG: He’s skeletonized!

PETER: Yeah, you’re right, he’s not coming back from that.

YVONNE: Not gonna lie. I figured one of us was going to get devoured by bats, but I thought we’d get in some spelunking time first.

BRANDI: We have to contact the authorities.

YVONNE: No, they’ll ask too many questions. Don’t forget, our car is stolen and we knocked over a liquor store on our way here.

BRANDI: We can’t just leave them down there to rot! They’ll stink up the cave! It’ll be bad for the ecosystem!

YVONNE: The bats are full now, so I think it’s safe for somebody else to go down there. I nominate Brandi.

CRAIG: Seconded.

PETER: Thirded.

BRANDI: All right, I’ll do it. [She screams.]

YVONNE: What happened to her?

CRAIG: I don’t know! I heard it but I couldn’t see it!

SOUND F/X: THUMP.

PETER: Is that her head?

YVONNE: Well, it’s a head.

PETER: Her head came off! While we were standing here, something happened that caused her head to come off! This is madness!

YVONNE: Not gonna lie. I figured there would be the tragic loss of a head at some point, and, not gonna lie, I thought it would be the third death of the day. [A beat.] I have nothing to add to that.

PETER: I can’t stand this any longer! I was prepared to watch yet not participate in cannibalism, but I never anticipated this level of horror!

YVONNE: If you want to look at it from a “glass is half-full” perspective, fifty percent of us are still alive.

PETER: No, Craig’s dead, too.

YVONNE: Really?

PETER: Yeah. He’s right over there. Dismembered.

YVONNE: When did that happen?

PETER: While you were saying that thing about the glass being half-full.

YVONNE: Wow. Missed it completely.

PETER: We should never have done this on Halloween.

YVONNE: Stop that. They could have died on any major holiday.

PETER: Look! Craig has become a zombie! An admittedly harmless one because he’s dismembered, but still, a zombie!

YVONNE: Perhaps we should leave.

SOUND F/X: SCARY MUSIC, FOLLOWED BY MANIACAL LAUGHTER. (SAME AS BEFORE.)

YVONNE: Leave the card alone, Peter. Peter? Peter? Peeeeeeter? This is awful. I have nobody to interact with. If I don’t talk to myself, it’ll just be an awkward silence.

CRAIG [in a ghostly voice]: Why have you invaded our sanctuary?

YVONNE: Craig? How can you talk? You’re a zombie!

CRAIG: Noooooo. This is a ghoooooost, jiggling Craig’s body parts around so that it kind of looooooooks like he’s a zombie. You were warned not to come heeeeeeere!

YVONNE: No, we weren’t.

CRAIG: Yes, you weeeeeere.

YVONNE: No. You just started killing people for no reason.

CRAIG [normal voice]: You know what, maybe I’m thinking of the last group.

YVONNE: Must be.

CRAIG: You didn’t see the quartet of purple glowing disembodied floating faces warning you to turn back?

YVONNE: Nope.

CRAIG: Are you sure?

YVONNE: Yep.

CRAIG: I think you’re fibbing.

YVONNE: Okay, yes, fine, I saw the floating faces, all right? I ignored the warnings. What did you expect me to do? We drove eight frickin’ hours!

CRAIG: Well, you shouldn’t have done it on Halloween. Because, y’know, zombies.

YVONNE: But you’re not a zombie.

CRAIG: No, but everyone else is.

PETER/BRANDI/MARK/LAURIE: [Zombie-like groans.]

YVONNE: I’m going to leave now. Sorry for disturbing your ancient slumber or whatever it is.

CRAIG: By the way, we totally know that it was you that led the expedition here last year where those six people died. You’ve got some issues, lady. I mean, that is truly messed-up behavior.

YVONNE: What do you want me to say? That I won’t bring another group of friends here to watch them die?

CRAIG: I just want you to know that we know exactly what’s going on. You’re not fooling anybody. Except your doomed friends.

YVONNE: Fair enough. See you next year.

CRAIG: See you next year. Have a good drive home. Don’t forget the body in the trunk.

YVONNE: I won’t. Bye-bye!

The Crazy Stuff You Find On YouTube…

These kids are heroes.