Chainsaws! Chainsaws! Chainsaws!

Recently I was accused of having an abundance of chainsaw references in my fiction. I feel that this observation is FALSE, and so join me on a merry tour as I do a search for “chainsaw” in my books…

How to Rescue a Dead Princess: Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it’s a fantasy novel…
Elrod McBugle on the Loose: I picked this book second because I was going to go “Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it’s a kids’ book…” But actually Elrod McBugle, when facing the idea of a fight with the school bully, wonders if he could hide a chainsaw behind his back. So I’m 1 for 2.
Out of Whack: Travis mentions taking a chainsaw to Seth’s stereo. Hmmm. I really wasn’t expecting to find chainsaw references in my comedies. This could be embarrassing.
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary): Andrew Mayhem makes a joke about being chased by a lunatic with a chainsaw. Later there’s a reference to various prop weapons, including a chainsaw, in the movie studio. Then a reference to juggling chainsaws. Then Andrew asks if anybody has a chainsaw to cut Roger free of The Dismemberment Machine (I forgot about that scene–that was way cool). Then a non-running chainsaw stuck in a corpse. Okay, maybe I have a problem.
Single White Psychopath Seeks Same: This one, of course, starts off with a great big chainsaw scene. Then there’s a chainsaw in the operating room where really scary stuff happens. But that’s it.
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once): In the big exciting finale, a corpse has been outfitted with a chainsaw arm. Son of a bitch…
Pressure: A reference to juggling chainsaws. My second reference to juggling chainsaws, for those keeping count. Also a reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that’s pushing it.
The Haunted Forest Tour: Another reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but in a completely different context than in Pressure. Then a whole bunch of chainsaw references as some folks go to work against the rapidly growing forest, but I’m pretty sure Jim Moore wrote that scene.
Suckers: One of the bad guys uses a chainsaw, and in fact is named Crazy Chainsaw Goon, but J.A. Konrath definitely wrote that part.
Gleefully Macabre Tales: This book was mentioned as being particularly chainsaw-obsessed, so let’s see…an early reference to a chainsaw in “Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic,” followed by several more as the aspiring killer decides that a chainsaw is a bad idea. Then a chainsaw is a key plot point in “BrainBugs.” And that’s it. So thirty-two of the stories in this book DON’T contain chainsaws.
Disposal: Frank suggests that they decapitate the body-that-won’t-die with a chainsaw, followed by a discussion of the purchase price and availability of a chainsaw.
The Sinister Mr. Corpse: Stanley Dabernath, in his pre-zombie film distributor life, owns the rights to a movie called Put Down That Chainsaw, I’m Not Made of Wood. I’d go see that.
So, How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the only one of my published books not to contain the word “chainsaw.” Let’s look at some upcoming titles…
Benjamin’s Parasite: Benjamin, a high school teacher, has marked up an essay with so much red ink that it looks like a killer has chainsawed a few victims in the vicinity. Later, there’s a dialogue exchange that includes the line “Chainsaw?” Then somebody is described as snoring like an orchestra of chainsaws.
The Severed Nose: None!!! Ha!!!
Okay. Well. This has been an eye-opening experience. I think it’s time to start writing about meat cleavers…

Butcher Knives & Body Counts

Those of you who obsessively memorize every detail of this blog may recall that I was going to have two essays in a book called The Ultimate Slasher Movies Guide, covering the movies Mother’s Day and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original, of course). I still am, but the book is now called Butcher Knives & Body Counts, and it’s now being published by Dark Scribe Press.

It’s about a year and a half away, so you’ll have to buy stuff like Benjamin’s Parasite, The Severed Nose, and the inexpensive edition of Pressure first, but while you’re waiting, the slasher book is going to open to more submissions. That’s right, your essay on Bloody Hatchet Death III: The Next Rebirth could be in there! And they’ll pay you!

For everything you wanna know, check out the official blog right here:

Stupidest Tagline Ever!

So while browsing the new releases section, I noticed a movie called Sharp as Marbles.

Notice the tagline: “Marbles aren’t sharp…and neither are they!”

I understand the whole “We’ve gotta appeal to the lowest common denominator” thing, but is there REALLY a portion of the movie-renting audience that needed the significance of Sharp as Marbles explained to them? Even if they were shaky on the concept that “not sharp” referred to two separate things: a) marbles, and b) the characters in the motion picture, I just have to believe that even your dumbest segment of movie-goers are able to correctly identify marbles as a round (i.e., non-sharp) object.

I’m voting this the Stupidest Tagline Ever. If I’m wrong, please share your own picks in the comments section!

Deep Carnivale Tomorrow!

If you’re planning to hang around Florida on Saturday, September 27th, come on over to Deep Carnivale: A Celebration of Words. It’s a totally FREE event in Tampa, Florida (The Cuban Club in Ybor City, to be specific; “that one really cool club; I forget the name” to be vague). There’ll be authors, musicians, art, events for the kiddies, and all kinds of stuff.

It runs from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM. I’ll be there the whole time, but my official reading is from 1:30 to 2:00 PM. Though Deep Carnivale is a family-friendly event, I’ll be reading on the Mature Audiences Only stage in the Cuban Club basement. Beware!!!

For much more information on the event, check out

Poll Closed (And Picture Deleted!)

Thanks to everybody who voted in my “Jeff as a Blond” poll. The results were heavily on the “Uh, no” side, which mirrored the responses in real life. My initial reaction was “Well, that’s not quite as ridiculous as I would’ve expected,” but after we did the second dose to eliminate the orange streaks, that reaction transformed into “GAAAHHHH!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?”  

My hair is black now. I’d post a picture, but this isn’t supposed to be a fashion site.

Meanwhile, don’t forget that my short story “Mr. Twitcher’s Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine” is available for free right here on my site. Just click the “Free Story” link.

Blood Lite Review

There’s a review of Blood Lite (which comes out next month) at Tez Says.

The review goes through the anthology story by story, praising some, un-praising others, and has the following to say about my own contribution, “The Bell…From HELL!!!” which I am quoting here in its entirety:

“Yes, the title’s really written like that.”

I think that, deep inside, all authors aspire to touch their readers in such a way that their reaction is to confirm punctuation and capitalization.


The Horror-Mall Three-For-The-Price-Of-Two paperback sale runs through Monday night. How to Rescue a Dead Princess is now out-of-stock, but my other paperbacks are still available. At this price, they only have to be 2/3rds as good as a regular book to make it worth the money, so order now!

Thanks to everybody who voted in my “Jeff as a Blond” poll. Thus far the results are very much in favor of “No, you look like a frickin’ idiot.” I’ve left my own opinion out so as not to sway the votes, and the poll remains open below.

Meanwhile, having returned to the wonderful world of screenwriting with a very short script of my very short story “Really, Really Ferocious,” (if any filmmakers out there are looking for a Dachshund-themed dark comedy, let me know), I’m now a quarter of the way into a feature-length screenplay for Disposal.  It’s moving along pretty darn well so far. Will it continue this way, or will my next update be a primal scream of frustration? Stay tuned!

3-Fer-2 Paperback Sale at The Horror Mall!

The Horror Mall is currently running a “Buy Two, Get One Free” special on all of their in-stock paperbacks. As I’m typing this, in-stock paperbacks include Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), Mandibles, How to Rescue a Dead Princess, and Waiting For October. By golly, you could turn it into a “Buy Four, Get Two Free” deal and get the whole set! 

This sale only runs through Monday, September 22nd, at 11:59 PM EST, so scamper over to The Horror Mall now! My books are here:

But you can also buy two paperbacks by other authors, and make mine the free one. I won’t weep.

Hot Chicks! Violence! Hell on Wheels!

Wednesday, September 17th at 7:30 PM, for one show only, the Tampa Theatre is screening Hell on Wheels: The Birth of All-Girl Roller Derby. The Onion says “Hell of Wheels is full of adrenaline-fueled highs, heartbreaking lows, and lots of chicks in short skirts kicking the **** out of each other,” so you know you want to see this as badly as I do.

To sweeten the deal, The Tampa Bay Derby Darlins will be hanging out there, lookin’ tough, and the first 50 people get a free league photo which they’ll autograph for you in the blood of their opponents. (The Tampa Theatre website doesn’t specify the blood part, but I figure that’s a given. Also, I’m sure they’ll be happy to kick you to the ground and skate over your head, if that’s your thing.)

Check out the Tampa Theatre website at

A New Blog Location!

Right here!

I’ve been maintaining mirror blogs on LiveJournal, MySpace, and Blogger, and will continue to do so. (Click on the “Blog” page for the links.) But I’ve decided to also start updating my blog right here on the front page of my website, for your reading convenience. I’m leaving the Suckers announcement, which will gradually get pushed lower and lower and lower, and have moved “10 Simple Ways To Further My Career” to the Ridiculous Stuff page.


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