Orlando Thrice

So in January, February, and March 2011, I’ll be driving to Orlando to see a) Patton Oswalt, b) Penn & Teller, and c) Kevin Smith.

I CHALLENGE any of you to top that!

Ow, My Arm!

So in the true story that inspired 127 Hours, did anybody go back and get that guy’s arm? I wouldn’t think they could do much with it, and you could probably just shine a flashlight into the crevice to confirm his story. But at the same time, you wouldn’t want other hikers to walk by and be traumatized by the sight of a severed arm.

If somebody DID get the arm, did they just throw it away later, or was it saved because of its cultural significance?

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Hawt

So if I’m sitting on my back porch, writing, and then the air conditioner starts to squeak, and then suddenly it sounds like firecrackers are going off inside of it, and then sparks start to shoot out of the top, that’s a good excuse for not getting much writing done that day, right?

Anyway, the A/C is totally fried and, in the words of the repair guy, “condemned.” I would do a lengthy whiny post about the lack of A/C…but not all of my readers are in Florida, or even southern climates, or such locations where they won’t say “I had to scrape ice off my windshield this morning, and you’re complaining about your freakin’ AIR CONDITIONER not working? I’ll never buy another of your books!”

(Yes, I’ve gone on record as saying that I don’t do cold weather, but I meant outside.)

Apologies For The Destruction

For those who attended my signing at Barnes & Noble yesterday, I apologize for the fistfight that broke out between myself, Andy Lalino, and Andrew Allan. We did stay afterward to pick up the six shelves that we knocked over, I’ve replaced the chair that I broke over Lalino’s head, and a portion of the book sale proceeds is going toward cleaning up the water damage. It was unprofessional. So was the profanity and nudity.

Basically, what happened was Andrew Allan said “Hey, Dweller is the best book I’ve ever read!” but I misheard him as saying “Hey, Dweller isn’t the best book I’ve ever read,” and so quite understandably I went into a rage. Mistakes were made, punches were thrown, and fires were set. After the car chase, we eventually worked out our differences, and the three of us remain semi-friends.

If you want a copy of their film Brainjacked but don’t play that whole online-buying game, head on over to the Barnes & Noble in that pretty graphic below and grab yourself a DVD right off the shelf!

Special thanks to Jim Morey, a very cool guy who kept us company for most of the event. Honestly, we probably would not have resorted to all of the violence had Jim been there at the end to calm us down.

So I apologize for all of the destruction. It was wrong. It won’t happen again.

Got A Hard To Buy For Weirdo?

Monkey Madness!

Available NOW!

Two novellas, previously only available as hardcover limited editions, now joined together into one affordable package! 

KUTTER by Jeff Strand

Charlie Stanlon is a serial killer. A ghastly, vicious sociopath who chains women to a table in his basement and tortures them to death. He has no friends. He has no family. He  despises his co-workers. His only pleasure in life is to cause pain and terror.

Until the day he finds an adorable Boston Terrier and takes it home…

REMAINS by Michael McBride

On May 21st, 2008, seven graduate students in Religious Studies set out from the University of  Colorado in search of God. Armed with only their faith and the scriptures, they traveled to the western slope of the Rocky Mountains. None of them were ever heard from again.

On November 13th, 2010, their families set off to recreate their final days in hopes of discovering their fate…

“[McBride] displays pitch-perfect pacing and creates interesting, believable characters, resulting in a tale that’s gripping and yet at times also philosophical.” – Robert Morrish, Cemetery Dance

“Jeff Strand beautifully crafts a heart-wrenching tale of a man and his dog…and his unquenchable thirst for murder.” – Desmond Reddick, Dread Media

CLICK HERE to order from Dark Regions Press!

CLICK HERE to order from The Horror Mall!

Alert! Emergency! Panic!

Wolf Hunt is down to the last couple of copies each of the limited edition hardcover and DELUXE limited edition hardcover from Dark Regions Press. If you don’t click this link, and then subsequently click the little circles that add items to your cart, YOU MAY MISS OUT!!! And, oh, how they’ll laugh at you, as your face burns in shame.

Did I mention that the deluxe edition comes with a hand-painted four-inch Ivan the Werewolf statue that was made by Frank Wells?

Be There, Or Wallow In Your Lameness!

Shorts!

It’s been a darn good couple of weeks for getting author copies in the mail, including the hardcover edition of Wolf Hunt and the super deluxe edition of The Severed Nose. But maybe you don’t WANT an entire book written by me. Maybe you’re thinking “I like his writing, I guess, but it’s better in small doses.” If so, the following new releases are for you!

Horror Library Volume 4. My story “The Apocalypse Ain’t So Bad” was in Volume 3. Now I’m in Volume 4 with “Drain Bamage,” the tale of a boy who drops his baby sister on her head. She’s fine–there’s no splattering involved–but now the little boy is consumed with guilt and paranoia, endlessly watching her for signs that he might have done some damage…

Blood Lite II: Overbite. Another repeat engagement: I was in the original Blood Lite with “The Bell…FROM HELL!!!” This time it’s “Eight-Legged Vengeance,” a dark comedy about the dangers of trying to bake a live tarantula into a cake as revenge against your ex-girlfriend. (Hint: Don’t do that.) This book is presented by the Horror Writers Association and you should be able to find it pretty much anywhere you buy books.

Zombie Nation St. Pete. This time I wasn’t in the original book, which was a collection of zombie stories set in St. Petersburg, Florida. The sequel is another collection of zombie stories set in St. Petersburg, because obviously that place has a serious frickin’ zombie problem. My contribution is “Dead in the Water,” and it’s about how if there’s a bridge that’s swarming with thousands of zombies, and the military shoots missiles at the bridge, and you’re UNDER the bridge, and all of the zombies rain down upon you, your life may suck.

Cinema Futura. A collection of essays about 60 different science fiction movies, each by a different author. Mine is on that 1987 masterpiece of satirical cyborg carnage: RoboCop.

And, of course, my short story “Rough Draft” is available to read for free…but only for the month of November! Then it goes bye-bye.

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